13.06.07 | 1 comments
She arrived!
Yesterday morning after a short and easy labour Matilda popped into the world weighing nearly eight pounds(!). Must say I recommend homebirth - was so much nicer being in a familiar environment.
» » pics of course
[add a comment]


06.06.07
brain going
I really must be losing a few cells - just realised that the previous three entries have been almost identical. It's official - I can't have the baby until after next Wednesday. Years after having finished a draft of my novel a publisher has finally expressed some interest in it, and said that they might be up for publishing it if I can make some revisions. Talk about timing...on the one hand it's brilliant as I'm about to have six months off with no work distractions...so at least have some time to focus on it...on the other I will have two children, one a new-born to look after...well I'm sure I can arrange something - if only a free day out a week. What a brilliant opportunity though! It's a very well-known publisher, and even the fact that he's expressed an interest has already made someone else in the industry sit up and take notice...fingers crossed!
» » caposcripti
[add a comment]


05.06.07 | 1 comments
38 weeks and counting
Well, doesn't look like anything is imminently happening, though I'm pretty big and awquard now...so baby can come anytime they're ready as far as I'm concerned. If that was as early as Ella, that would be this thursday (2 days time...) which is quite a mad thought...will have to get the high heels out. Or the weekend...that would be quite a good time too :)

By now it feels like I've been pregnant forever...and at 45 1/2 inches I'm beginning to wonder how much bigger around I'll get...47? That's a slightly scary thought. Come on baby, you know you want to come out. Even looking forward to labour bizarrely.
[add a comment]


03.06.07
38 weeks
And STILL pregnant. Nothing to report here apart from the odd practice contraction - just starting to feel quite massive and have developed a belated waddle according to Stuart, despite my attempts to police my gait. He has suddenly become super impatient for baby to arrive and asks me about every 10 minutes if I've felt anything...of course he would argue that he just doesn't want to see me suffering any more (like labour, birth, and then having a newborn chewing on my nipples won't be suffering, but at least we'll be onto the next stage I suppose...)

Ella was eight days early....so that could mean that we have a baby by Thursday...there weren't too many symptoms before the actual day, as the plug, contractions and birth were all within about 18 hours. Wonder if it will be the same this time and waters will stay intact till the final stages? Impossible to say..just have to wait and see!!
[add a comment]


25.05.07 | 1 comments
37 weeks today
And starting to wonder whether birth is imminent. 3 weeks to go till due date, but Ella came 8 days early...which actually translates into 13 days...you just never know. According to the midwife yesterday, the baby is only 4/5 engaged - i.e. only 1/5 of the head is in my pelvis - but I get the impression that's just because they have more room to maneuvre, and they could engage straight from there. Definitely had a bit of a 'watermelon' sensation earlier today when walking, but it had gone away by the afternoon to be replaced by a continual sensation of wanting to poo (constipation???). Ah the joys of the final days of pregnancy. To be honest I can't complain too much so far. Maybe it's the pelvic floors, or paying more attention to posture, or just a different baby, but I've been much less uncomfortable this time than last. Obviously I'm a bit more unwieldy now (44 1/2 inches round the middle) and getting quite breathless from time to time, but generally feel quite light on my feet. Hopefully all this bodes well for labour too, and I'll be fighting fit...or something. Jesus - Stu's out at the pub and it's just taken me over 2 hours to put daughter to bed. She knows...
[add a comment]


16.05.07
Days are CRAWLING past
Well looks like Einstein was right: time is relative. What is it about final month of pregnancy? Seems like I've got FOREVER left to wait till this babe comes out. People keep telling me I've got a 'boy' bump - can't wait to find out either way...though given the amount of girls clothes I've got stashed away (from Ella, haven't actually bought much new stuff) they'll be dressed in pink no matter what gender they are. At least I've got Mumsnet to distract me whilst waiting. Trouble is that it's also distracting me from work...which I need to get finished. Roll on 25th May when I can officially (and politely) tell clients to p-off!
» » Mumsnet
[add a comment]


15.05.07
35 weeks
Nearly there now...well at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as regards finishing work (next friday) though I still need to find someone to cover me for one of my main clients. I don't think I've quite adjusted to the idea that I'll have six months off work...but am sure that this will change as soon as the baby arrives, and the time will suddenly feel much too short.

Of course it's hard not having a clue when anything will kick off - could be having this one in 3 or 6 weeks - that's quite a big buffer of uncertainty! S is still off work looking after Ella, but will be going back a week on Monday...and then it will be just the two of us until baby arrives. Really looking forward to spending some quality time with her, well at least as much as I can manage being heavily pregnant.

Actually it could be much worse - getting the odd muscle twinge, but no real pain from back / pelvis, and so far I'm not too uncomfortable most of the time, though trying to get my head around the complex code that runs the bookshop made me really dizzy yesterday - had to stop work and go lie down for a bit. Just got two little bits of work to complete for it though, and my replacement to find, and I can go on leave with a clear conscience. Everything is ready for small person (bedding, nappies, clothes, etc, etc) so just got to push him/her out now!
[add a comment]


07.05.07
Eek
Thought I was past the stage where I would 'pop' and suddenly grow bigger, but the belly appears to have expanded 2.5 inches since yesterday? Maybe just baby moving into a different position...how big is it going to get? That's the question...
[add a comment]


07.05.07

Just under six weeks for me...which isn't that long in the grand scheme of things but at the same time feels like aeons...but then I keep telling myself that it could happen any time in the next 3-8 weeks and still be within 'normal' range, which does make it feel slightly more imminent. Still, got most stuff for the baby sorted now - and nothing whatsoever for me. Better get at least a mini hospital bag sorted in case, and homebirth stuff (will I really need an anglepoise lamp???) Speaking of home births - I thought that the midwives would come round at about 37-8 weeks to deliver stuff for the birth, and have a little chat with you. But now it appears they just turn up with everything they need on the day and don't bother with the pep talk. I know I've moaned about this before, but I wish midwife services were a bit better round here. I've had 4 appts in the last 34 weeks with 4 different people, and now have no more till 37 weeks...so I won't know till the last minute what way up the baby is etc etc. So for all I know I could still end up being rushed to hosp for a caesarian. OK it's not that likely, but it would be nice to feel a little more supported? By the next appt I could theoretically already have had the baby! Oh well...can't be helped. On the bright side, I went to Brixton Comedy last night and laughed so much I thought my belly was going to burst: I actually got pissed off with myself for laughing so much and the comedians for being toooooo funny. Great though, and a big thanks to my LOVELY uncle Jacky who was kind enough to babysit for us. I even had a nice rum and coke!
[add a comment]


06.05.07 | 2 comments
Sunday morning - 34 weeks
A rather grey morning, and chilly, despite the warm and sunny weather we've had for weeks now. I have been up since 7 with Ella, who's now watching old episodes of Rainbow whilst I make breakfast. Not feeling too bad now that I've got moving, but getting out of bed was HARD this morning - not least because my pelvis felt like it was held together with elastic bands. A bit of movement seems to have loosened things up a bit, but mornings like that feel like an insight into being about 80 and arthritic. A few stats...weight 11st 3, 'waist' 42"...so according to my calculations I've put on 19 pounds so far. That's not too bad...as one stone will come off immediately after I give birth to child. That leaves less than half a stone of 'fat' to get rid of (and a big wobbly tummy if I remember correctly). By this stage last time I was over 12 stone... Not that I'm particularly obsessive about my weight from a vanity perspective - but I really don't want to have to deal with crippling backache again this time, and I'm sure that extra stone was a big contributing factor... This baby feels bigger than Ella - although it's hard to estimate size given that I haven't exactly had loads of midwife appointments. Even at this late stage in the game, my next one isn't for over 3 weeks, which will make over 6 weeks between that and the last one, out of a total of only 4 appointments so far during the whole pregnancy. Obviously being a second timer, they're less concerned about conditions that might appear and put the baby at risk - since they didn't show themselves first time round - but it would be nice to see a midwife at least once a month, if only just to listen to the heartbeat and see how things are going. The baby moves around a lot, so I keep convincing myself that she has shifted into a breech position, though as far as I can tell it's still kicks in the ribs, rather than headbuts...breech birth would of course be VERY bad news as it would mean at the very least hospitalisation, and at the worst a caesarian...and if I can avoid having to be in a post-natal ward I will be much happier. It's not that I'm against hospitals per se (though I'd be lying if I said that I liked them) - but I really didn't have a great experience last time, so I'd at least like to try homebirth with this baby.


[add a comment]


01.05.07
33 weeks
Good morning...off to work today happy with the knowledge that I have SIX DAYS LEFT (finish next thursday) then I don't have to drag myself into an office any more! Though they're already asking if I can come back in January for a while...which is good from a financial perspective, but I'd have to think about whether I'd be comfortable working in that kind of environment if it wasn't strictly time-delimited. Apart from a few braxton hicks if I overdo it by late afternoon, I haven't been feeling too uncomfortable, and been sleeping fairly well - if Ella hadn't woken me at 4 this morning I would probably have got a full night's sleep. Ah well - such is life I guess. At least I'd gone to bed fairly early so don't feel too knackered.
[add a comment]


25.04.07
32 weeks
And have been rather slack about writing this journal recently. Still doing 3 days a week at with the spread betters, though some of that I can do at home, but really starting to slow down a bit now. Have reached 43 inches on the tape measure. It's pretty much all belly, and a bit on the chest if I'm honest. Baby is very active and tends to like squirming about, kicking and rolling it's head (I assume...having only the haziness notion of what the various mobile bumps and lumps on my adomen are) so that I can be aware of movement from the crotch area all the way up to the top of my ribs. And there's still over seven weeks to go...how big is this baby going to get? Maybe it's just differently distributed, but I see to remember this 'full' feeling a bit later last time...
[add a comment]


13.04.07
Rather slack updating I'm afraid
But I suppose this part of the pregnancy isn't that interesting...countdown to labour, and birth when the exciting part starts and we get to meet a whole new person... In the meantime, just working hard and counting the growing inches...midwife appt on Tuesday, so I'll get to find out if all is still on track with growth, what position the baby is in, etc. Back is holding up apart from the odd twinge, and last night went out for cocktails with a whole load of old friends, one of whom told me I was a 'hot pregnant babe' - I feel GOOD about that, even though perhaps was partly due to me having plied her with cocktails for several hours first ;)
[add a comment]


02.04.07
Mondy update
So a little bit of stats as I keep forgetting to record these things... Waist: nearly 42"...Weight: 10st12. As I was about 9st10 at the begining that's about 16 pounds - seems about right so far, and I don't feel like I'm getting too fat. Especially after the five mile walk we did on Saturday! (not all in one stretch, I hasten to add, although 3 1/2 miles of it was: I was bloody knackered!). Just under 11 weeks to go now...soon we'll be into single digits. No back-pain, heartburn, constipation, varicose veins or 'crankles' (swelling in the legs and ankles) so far, for which I am profoundly grateful. Must be all the porridge I eat ;)

Spring is definitely here now - soon it'll be time to plant tomatoes. We recently built a little patio outside Ella's room, so the whole garden is lovely to walk around barefoot. There are masses of bluebells, tulips and aliums ready to bloom, so it should suddenly turn into a burst of colour.
[add a comment]


28.03.07 | 3 comments
Time slowing down again
Time's a funny thing. Work's been a bit quiet last week and this, and time seems to have slowed right down. 79 days seems like a long time to go...with no guarantee that it's not even longer. A friend has just gone 2 weeks over her due date. Given that Ella came eight days early, that doesn't seem so likely, but I can't help wishing that the last 3 months would go a bit quicker. (I'm sure I'll change my mind and wish for peace and quiet again once the baby's arrived.)>br>
We're unsure of the gender now...when I had the ultrasound the technician told me we were having a girl 'look you can see her labia' (pointing to big white blob on screen in general area of genitals). However, my pregnancy update for week 28 tells me that the labia are only now just beginning to grow down over the 'oversized clitoris'....so what was the blob? Willy or clit? Only time will tell, but I don't think I'll be running out buying pink OR blue clothes just yet. Half a dozen white vests and babygroes should do for starters.


[add a comment]


21.03.07
Third Trimester
Can't believe I've still got another 3 months. Pregnancy takes such a long time! Starting to get pretty big, and a bit awkward now...have bust 40 inches on the tape measure, though my weight's staying under control. I've still been too mean to buy more than a couple of tops, so I'm praying the warm weather will come soon so I can get away with wearing skirts and no tights. Last week I finally had to admit that my (non-maternity) jeans just weren't that comfortable any more. Wondering how much bigger I'm going to get...another 10 inches? The baby continues to be very active - lots of kicking in mid to upper torse, and jumping up and down on top of my cervix. The bump appears to have dropped slightly, although that could just be gravity as I get bigger...

Still working in Blackfriars, though today was very quiet, and I think I'll be working from home tomorrow. The magazine site design is done and signed off. For once I haven't got a list of 10 things I have to have done yesterday, yet I'll still be being paid. Which is handy. It's amazing how quickly you can get in and out of the full-time work mentality. I love my work, so could probably pull off a 40-50 hour week no problem. At the same time I love spending time with my daughter, so happily try and balance the work / parenting thing. Sometimes I end up feeling a bit frazzled - like I'm not doing either properly. But when it works it's brilliant. Hopefully we'll be able to pull off the same thing with two of them...

Ella is still progressing in leaps and bounds. She easily recognises and names numbers and colours, and is working on the alphabet. She's grasped that printed words mean something, and is always asking me to read text for her. I can't help suspecting that reading isn't that far away...

» 28 Weeks Pregnant
[add a comment]


07.03.07
W00T!
So...100 days to go today apparently...soon we'll be into the 90 day no-money-back period ;) Back at work with the gamblers today, in between designing the magazine site, which is going pretty well. In fact life is kind of working out alright at the moment. My retainer client has definitely said they want me to work for them again from January, so that's reassuring - it means that I'll probably have an income immediately after coming off maternity leave, so all I've got to do is work for the next couple of months and then spend a guilt-free and blissful six months off with my children. Child(ren)! Well I've finally got my head around the physical actuality of having another child, and am really looking forward to meeting her. She's a strong little thing judging from the kicks she was giving me at midnight last night. Ella woke up very upset at 1am, and wanted MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY despite Stuart's attempts to calm her, so we all ended up sleeping in odd places: Ella and I in Ella's bed, and Stuart on the couch. At about 5am I transferred to our bed and crashed out instantly. I must be totally accustomed to broken night's sleep by now, as I didn't feel tired at all and woke up at seven thirty this morning.

In fact I've really been enjoying the pregnancy over the last few weeks. I'm not big and uncomfortable, love feeling the baby move inside me, and generally have developed a really optimistic outlook about life. I can't remember being this cheerful last time, but then I was battling a really painful back and also not really prepared for the whole 'having a baby' thing - first time round everything is scary and worrying, and I seemed to spend half my time avoiding smelly cheese, runny eggs, ham, sushi, etc etc. I'm considerably more relaxed this time around, having realised that most of these forms of self-denial really aren't necessary in a country like Britain, Salmonella is pretty rare; sushi has generally been frozed, and our ham doesn't sit around long enough to breed listeria. Still draw the line at cleaning up catshit though.

I'm still peddling to work. It's a breeze in the mornings, and lovely too, now that spring is arriving with crisp sunny mornings and blossom everywhere; it's a bit more of a strain on the way back again though...I start getting braxton-hicks about a mile from home, despite peddling slower than everyone else on the road. Much as I hate taking the bus (compare over an hour for the journey instead of 25 minutes) I'll probably have to cave and hang the bike up for a bit soon...
[add a comment]


01.03.07
Bored at work
See this is the problem with working for people in their office: it's not the most efficient way of using time. Yesterday I submitted a 33 page wireframe document for the project I'm working on. It's pretty complex and detailed, and I wouldn't expect instant feedback on it, especially as it has to circulate among quite a number of people. Yet despite the fact that there's no immediate need for me to do any work on the project today, here I am condemned to sit in their office for eight hours, just because it's booked as a work day - when I could be at home working on another project and swap my time around. Seems a little pointless... My friend suggested that I just work on my own stuff here, but given that they're paying quite a lot for my time (so I suppose I shouldn't complain if they want to waste it) I don't feel right about working on unrelated projects in their office. So I'm faced with a lot of downtime to fill today, in this silent and corporate space. Life's too short!....maybe I should just leave and go and do something else instead. Shopping! Redesigning the magazine pages I'm working on for another client...at home. Fixing my blueplaqueproject site (which is long overdue, and which people keep emailing me about) or even, god forbid, updating my own website which is sadly behind. Well I suppose it's only another seven hours now. Surely in all that time I will find something constructive to do...

In pregnancy news, I'm still cycling to work and feeling pretty fit. The bump seems to have stopped expanding just at the moment (25 weeks tomorrow) after a bit of a growth spurt, but I'm still feeling plenty of activity. I've not got any appts for a couple of weeks, when hopefully I should find out how my referral for a home birth is going (yes...I STILL haven't found out what their plans are for that) and meanwhile I'm just getting on with stuff and looking forward to June when the litle horror (I mean treasure) should arrive.
[add a comment]


25.02.07
Outtie
Well the belly button (what's left of it) is defitely an outtie now. A strange sensation: I feel like I'm leading with my navel. Although it wasn't that unexpected, I can't believe how much I've grown in the last couple of weeks. And another 16 weeks to go...which if I'm about the same size as with Ella will be about 9 more inches of girth. Given that this bump is growing straight forward, I may well tip over by the time I get to about eight months. I'll have to make sure I'm pretty careful with my back.

This baby appears to be a lot more active than I remember being - I feel strong kicks at all times of day, and especially in the evening. The other day I decided to go to bed a bit early...sprog had other ideas, and it felt like she was kickboxing till about midnight - making it rather difficult to drift off. I'm starting to really look forward to meeting her. Things seem to be going ok with the homebirth plans...well I still haven't been referred, but the midwife at the booking-in was optimistic and encouraging about it. Another 3 and a half months of pregnancy to get through first though.
[add a comment]


19.02.07
23 weeks 2 days
Waist 37", Belly 39" - generally getting a lot more round, and the uterus is beginning to grow up into my lungs...so shorter of breath, and smaller meals a must. I think my belly's gone through one of it's periodic 'pops' - whereby it suddenly shifts to a different stage of pregnant-ness. Strangers can now tell I'm pregnant. I ran into a shop to get some crisps for Ella the other day. The man behind the counter cocked an eyebrow at me when I went to pay and said 'sudden cravings?'. Jeans definitely uncomfortable now - but still haven't had time to go and get some maternity jeans that fit me. A friend kindly gave me some, but they're 2 sizes too big, so I can't really wear them (they fall off).

No other news - I've the booking-in appointment for King's tomorrow, and it looks like yes, I will have to fill in all the forms again, and maybe even do another set of blood tests. Since I have the results from the first lot, I don't see why the bloods are necessary. They can hardly force me to give them can they?
[add a comment]


15.02.07
Morning
Forgot to mention that the appointment letter for the booking in came with a whole load of gumph and yet ANOTHER form to fill in with all my personal details, gaenocological history, and information about the blood tests, etc that they will do. As I've already filled out 3 lots of these forms (and given blood for the tests) it really made me cross to get the SAME information again. Of course, they probably just put a standard pack together - but I hope they don't make me go through the whole 2 hour rigmarole of filling in the book, taking the bloods, etc etc etc AGAIN. That would really piss me off. I had to fill in all that information before having the scan at Kings - and then the guy didn't even refer to it - but asked me a series of questions before filling in yet another form by hand (neither did he refer to my pregnancy record...again hand-written). You can't help wondering just where the NHS' £4bn on IT development has gone, given the thousands (probably millions) of patient records that are still hand-written. Just what is the point? So I'm going to refuse to do the blood tests again (why should I? I have the results filed for them?) and also not bother to fill out the 2(!) forms they have send asking for a detailed obstetric and gaeno history...frankly if she wants to know that information she can copy it from the previous booking-in book...grrrrrr. Stuart of course is laughing at me getting wound up by this a whole week before the appt is even due. But it does make me mad. My time is valuable! At least to me...given that I will have to take half a work day off for this appt (they didn't consult with me on when would be a convenient time of course) it will actually cost me a couple of hundred quid...and it's frustrating to know that it's actually a complete waste of time. Of course reading through the leaflets they sent I notice that 'the booking-in appointment can be carried out by a midwife in hospital or at a clinic at your local GP's surgery' - which they strenuously denied was even possible in the several phone calls I had with them to try and get a booking-in appointment at all. The whole thing is very frustrating. After all, if all goes well I was hoping not to see the inside of KH again in this pregnancy ;(
[add a comment]


13.02.07
22 Weeks
And I've finally got another booking-in appointment (on the 20th Feb)...so it will only be 11 weeks since the last midwife appt, and then hopefully I'll be able to see the local midwife round the corner at the doctor's surgery. This is an improvement on what I was told last week, which was that they wouldn't be able to fit me in till April (i.e. during the seventh month of pregnancy.) I feel pretty fit and well, so here's hoping everything, including growth, is as it should be. Still think I'll probably have to fight for a home birth (King's didn't seem like a great place to have the baby - MUCH too busy and big) but at least things are looking a bit more positive now.

Judging from pics last time, it looks like I'll start expanding quite a lot over the next couple of weeks - you still can't really tell I'm pregnant unless you know, and I'm still wearing standard jeans most of the time, but can't help thinking I'll have to move into maternity wear soon. Of course brixton Mothercare isn't much use - they only had 2 pairs of trousers in my size yesterday, and both of those for early term pregnancy. I never understand why clothiers (that is rather agrandizing them) in Brixton only cater for plus-sized women...I suppose it's no mystery really...
[add a comment]


08.02.07 | 5 comments
Just about nearly an outtie
The ongoing belly button watch.


[add a comment]


08.02.07
Busy Busy
No time to write in here for a little while, as I've been working onsite in Blackfriars all week, and pretty busy. Got offered a lucrative contract by an old client that should run for 2-3 months, so I've gone back to work full time for a little bit, with Stuart looking after Ella, and continuing the child swap. It's actually quite nice being back in an office: definitely good to get the mind focussed and work with other people in a challenging environment. And the money will be great too: sets my mind at rest a little about time off and tax bills...So expect the next several months to fly by, and me to suddenly realise the baby is due in weeks. I'm going to try to stop work mid-to-late May. Judging by how fast the last couple of weeks have flown by, that suddenly doesn't seem so far away.

Last weekend already seems ages ago...we had a nice break in Scotland visiting Stuart's dad on the farm. Ella loved every minute of it, and even got to ride on a Shetland pony. We got stuck into quad-riding, feeding chickens, searching for eggs and other homely farmyard tasks. The weather was beautiful: clear and crisp, with plenty of sunshine. We've come back to cold London, where today it has actually snowed 2 inches! Predictably the whole country ground to a halt...although the bus rise to work this morning was smoother than expected. (I've been cycling there, but didn't fancy peddling through the blizzard today)
[add a comment]


01.02.07
It's a Girl!
To my surprise...as I had a definite boy feeling...though I had begun to change my mind over the last little while. All healthy and normal as far as they could see, with an estimated weight of 384g. Hurrah!

In some ways having another girl will make life less complicated - though it could be a lot of oestregen for S to deal with in the future. You could argue that there's more balance if the genders are equally matched. But Ella will have a best friend that she can share everything with (I hope they love each other their whole lives long); and I love having a little girl...what could be more delightful than two? :)

The scan was stressful! We had to wait over an hour to be seen, which was hardly surprising given that they spend an hour and a half doing the scan. The same person was taking notes and scanning, then another doctor came into the room and went through the whole process AGAIN. All in all I was flat on my back being poked in the tummy for an hour and a half. Which must have been a bit stressful for the baby, as she was kicking a lot. At least you can't say they weren't thorough, but t here's definite scope for a time and motion study at that unit.

I was lucky: another couple had been waiting 2 hours for their scan. A far cry from the 10 mins average wait at St Thomas' followed by a 15 minute scan. I declined the optional transvaginal they offer at 23 weeks, even though the doctor assured me it would be much quicker: if all goes well I won't be seeing the inside of that hospital again in this pregnancy.

in part it's not their fault: I was astonished at how incredibly busy the waiting room was. There must have been 50 people or more in there when we arrived. They weren't all waiting for scans - but still it's a big volume to run through 3 scan rooms, if they're spending that much time on each patient. And of course it's a teaching hospital as well. The doctor who carried out the second part of the scan was a research fellow. I couldn't help wondering if her insistence that I consider the transvaginal scan to measure the length of the cervix was partly an enthusiasm for her project: more statistics to add to the graph...
[add a comment]


28.01.07
Oops nearly forgot
20 week measurements: Waist 34", Belly 38", Weight:10 stone / 63.5 Kilos. I suspect there may be a lot more growing to do...
[add a comment]


28.01.07
20 weeks
So I'm going back to work full time for the next month or so, for a company that I worked with a few years ago. It will be good to get out of the house for a while, and I'm looking forward to working with some friends again, on an interesting project. S is going to take a month off his job and be house-husband for a bit, and continue the baby swap with the other mums. Then he can go back to work full-time once the baby is born, and I'll take some time off. It's pretty handy getting this contract in now, as it looked like I was going to be a bit quiet...strange and fortunate how that always seems to happen - I do hope it continues to go that way once I go back to work in Jan 2008...will have to see how it works out. Six months off seems a long time now, but I'm sure it will flash past once the baby arrives. Statutory maternity pay is for 9 months (which will be handy) but isn't really enough to survive on alone at 100 a week. We'll see!

So yesterday, realising I'll be in this fairly formal office environment, and will need to look respectable, we all went into town to try and pick up some maternity trousers. What a pain! For a start the only place that seems to have any range of stuff is Oxford Street - Brixton Mothercare only had size 12 up, which literally fell off me - so we went to Victoria only to be told they'd moved all their stock to Marble Arch. Duly traipsed down to there....and there was ONE pair of size 10 jeans (and no trousers) out of the dozens of pairs on the rails...which were about six inches too long. So I went to mothercare, which was a bit hectic (and by this time I was rather irritable) only to be flumoxed by the different types of trousers they sell, none of which are labelled. I tried on one pair, but they were early term - i.e. for the first trimester. So I found a sales assistant and asked her about them. 'Excuse me', I said, 'Are these early term trousers?'. She replied (with a completely straight face) 'They're for before you have the baby'. Naturally I had assumed that since they were maternity trousers! When pressed about different styles for later pregnancy (once I'd finally explained the concept of trimesters to her) she got very flustered and went to fetch the rather harassed looking manager, who flung a couple of pairs of trousers at me and disappeared again. Luckily one of them fit alright and I got out of there, but you can't help comparing the treatment of customers in shops in britain to that in the States for example, where they're about fifty times more helpful. Anyway they should do for the moment. Still wearing normal jeans the rest of the time, and I've a couple of skirts that fit fine with the bump, so I'm not going near any more maternity shops for a while. It's so depressing! It's odd. I seem to have put hardly any weight on (2 kilos) so my usual reason for being depressed when clothes shopping isn't a problem: it's just that most maternity clothes are so ugly and badly cut (unless you spend a fortune on them, which I'm not prepared to do) that it's just really disheartening to think you've no choice but to buy them. Which makes me resent the poor shop assistants (who are completely blameless) as the representatives of such poor design. When they're rude or unhelpful, it only makes me even more irritable. Oh well....maybe I can get away with blaming it on the hormones.

Nearly scan day now...appointment at Kings has been confirmed, and I got a letter through and a couple of leaflets about it. They actually do two scans. One throug the belly, and another 'transvaginal' scan to check the length of the cervix. This provides a good indication of the risk of premature birth apparently. As Wednesday is also my first full day on the new contract I'm doing, I'll have to try and leave there, freshen myself up a bit, and then peddle over to Kings at top speed to meet S and Ella by six. A friend had a 3D scan there - which would be really cool: imagine we might actually get to see what little bean looks like in there, rather than the monochrome shadows of a 2D scan. Exciting!
[add a comment]


25.01.07
Will it, won't it?
I've developed a real obsession with my belly button...specifically whether it will pop out this time or not. Last time it gradually got shallower, and then flattened out completely from about 8 months on. This time it looks like it might actually become an outtie. Coming up to 20 weeks, and my pregnancy calendar informs me that if it's going to pop, now is about the time that it will do it. Sure enough, if I stretch, or lean backwards, it does actually pop out all the way (only about 1/2 a centimeter, but that's cos it's gone so shallow). I'm quite excited! I'll probably hate having a sticky-out belly button after a little while, but now I can't stop playing with it. It's so soft! It doesn't stick out all the time, but given the general trend, I wouldn't have thought it will be that long...uterus is just about up to the belly button now, and rises up when I stretch and yawn, so guess that's just giving me a hint of what it will look like in a couple of weeks time, as development between 5 and 6 months was very rapid last time if I remember correctly...
[add a comment]


24.01.07
Snow
Ella woke us up this morning with the news that there was Snow! Sure enough, when we looked outside there was an inch on the ground...enough to make a small snowman. It had all melted by 11 and the garden is green again now.
[add a comment]


22.01.07
They said it would get colder
And they weren't lying! It's bloody freezing today, with a nasty cold rain and wind blowing about. On the upside there's loads of bulbs coming up in the garden, and it was light at 7.30 this morning, so Spring isn't that far away.
[add a comment]


21.01.07
Quiet Sunday
Very chilled and relaxing day today for a change. Ella didn't wake till half eight, and it was S's turn to get up and do breakfast, so I got to read in bed, and then had a good play with Ella, who is in her usual cheerful mood today. She's really starting to reason well. For example: yesterday, in the park, she was wearing her wellingtons and playing in a puddle. She spotted another child who was also wearing wellingtons. 'Little girl. Want to come and play in the puddle with me. You're wearing your wellingtons." I'm not paraphrasing here. Apart from being perfectly phrased, the sentence demonstrated that she had noticed, and considered the fact that the litte girl was wearing rubber boots, and would therefore be allowed to come and splash around. All of a sudden, reason and direction are starting to work with her. 'Don't climb up there, because you'll fall down, and bang your head, and probably cry' makes her stop, and re-consider, and often change her activity. It's so great to see her personality developing. She's fearless, and friendly, and curious. And currently going through a very affectionate phase. 'I love you mummy' as she's falling asleep is particularly sweet. I think S thinks my brain is going soft: it probably is. But as often as I curse the routine and the grind of having a child, are these little epiphanies when I look at the perfect little person we've created between us, and think with awe of her potential.

S jokingly accused me of being addicted to pregnancy this morning. Certainly it's not too onerous at the moment. I'm not uncomfortable, have plenty of energy, and have no real aches and pains. I can pretty much feel the baby moving throughout the day - every so often there'll be a couple of little movements, reminding me of the baby that's growing inside me. They're reassuring and slightly distracting, especially if I'm in a meeting or on the phone at the time. I find myself wanting to just stop, and sit quietly, thinking about it, and trying to feel how it's lying. I think I'm probably a lot more accepting of the whole think this time round. That said, this is meant to be the 'honeymoon' period of pregnancy. By June I'm sure I'll be feeling less tolerant. Especially if May is a scorcher...

Only a week and a half now to the scan. We're planning on bringing Ella along, so I hope we don't have to wait too long. And find out what flavour of baby sibling is in mummy's tummy...
[add a comment]


20.01.07
Cool illustration
I found this cool illustration recently - which really helped me to visualise what's going on inside. As you can see, there's not much room for vital organs as the baby grows...I wonder what's happened to the liver, pancreas, kidneys, spleen and lungs? No wonder things are starting to feel a little crowded in there...
» http://www.childbirthconnection.org/
[add a comment]


19.01.07
It's all good.
So: many developments on the ante-natal care front. I spoke to the midwife at the one o'clock club today, who is a total super star. She phoned up Kings, and checked whether my referral had been received, and also told me that they'd booked a scan for me there. A bit of confusion, as apparently it was booked for the 2nd Feb (we'll be away) - but she was able to call back and get it changed to the 31st of January. Over a week earlier than my appointment at St Thomas'. So instead of being weeks away, it's only 12 days. Yippee! I was a bit worried that the doctor might not have sent the referral, but she was right on the ball, and the midwife really rates her. Funny I've seen that doctor quite a few times, but never really had a connection with her.

On the homebirth front, I've been talking to a couple of others who've had them in this area, and they've been very positive about the care they received. I found this about them online: "We were also very disappointed by the impersonal, production-line feel of our local, 'standard' NHS provision and decided instead to go for a home birth. Our group of midwives (The Brieley Group, based at Kings College Hospital here in London) were very good indeed and the care and attention we received, right from the first meeting with them, was excellent. Most importantly, they put my partner's needs first and those of the system second. They didn't attempt to manage the birth the way most hospitals do (for one thing there's no pressure to free up beds and staff) and they were happy to allow nature to take its course rather than interfere prematurely and end up 'medicalizing' the birth. That said, they did bring the standard array of hardware with them, but it wasn't required. The one downside is that gas and air is the only form of pain relief that midwives are permitted to administer during a home birth, but Akemi's young, it's your third, I bet he/she will be delivered at the speed of an express train (the JR rather than the MerseyRail variety) ;) All in all, for us it was a great choice. Even if there had been complications, the hospital is only about five minutes away from us (with the blue lights on) so we didn't feel we were taking any great risks (it often would take longer than that to get a woman from a birth clinic to an operating theatre, and for most birthing complications, you get plenty of warning anyway). The statistics indicate that home births are safer than hospital births, and this seems to be attributable, in part, to the fact that the woman has one-to-one care, is at home in a calm, familiar environment, and thus more relaxed, and is allowed to give birth in accordance with her body's own timetable rather than that of the hospital. Another upside is that the heated birthing pool we hired was a great venue for hanging out in at the end of the day. Floating around in 37 degrees water with an ice cold beer in hand feels very decadent and the stress just melts away..."
» http://www.cottee.org/
[add a comment]


17.01.07
Had a bit of an up and down day so far today.
Wednesday, so I had all the girls this morning, and a bit of a shock when people who should have been told about a site move hadn't been informed. I don't feel at my best. Starting to feel much bigger all of a sudden - or maybe it's just today - but I feel a bit awquard; and the endless round of nappy changes, potty emptying, dressing, lunching and putting down for naps has really taken it out of me. Pelvis feels achy and my belly just wants to hang out pulling my back into an uncomfortable curve. Must do a few more pelvic floors! At least they've all gone home now. Think I'll take Ella to the park for a little while, since it's relatively bright for a change. Then a little rest before i get the dinner on...the joys.
[add a comment]


16.01.07
Light at the end of the tunnel
So after much phoning around, asking other mothers who've had kids in the local area, and speaking to the SureStart community midwife (who I know through the baby group that I go to) I've found a course of action, that may improve the situation. If I call my GP I can be seen by a midwife at my local GP surgery (rather than up in Streatham). This means changing hospitals, to Kings' rather than St Thomas' - but as I am increasingly in favour of a home rather than hospital birth, I think it would be fine. If anything does go wrong I won't be too far from the hospital, but at least if things do go smoothly I won't feel like just another body on a slab, as apparently you're much more likely to see the same few midwives throughout the pregnancy and for the labour and delivery. My friend who had a home birth on the next street along said that it was very reassuring to have midwives she knew and trusted there when she was giving birth.

Just goes to show though: all of the numbers that were on my maternity record either failed to work, or connected to people whose attitude was that it wasn't their problem. It was only by talking to other mums, and the very kind and helpful midwife who is attached to the local one o'clock club, that I was able to get any information at all. Now with any luck I'll be able to see the same couple of midwives for the next 5 months (rather than a different one every time as last time) and even have those same midwives present at the birth. If this is the case then it would be a vast improvement on my previous experience!
[add a comment]


16.01.07
Today I hate
The NHS! It's shit! Or more precisely the community antenatal clinic to which I have been assigned is shit. Allegedly they have two community midwives, but one of them seems to have been on holiday for the last couple of months (at least that's why I saw a locum at 12 weeks, and apparently she's still on holiday. I'm supposed to have an appointment after the 20 week (in my case 21.5 weeks) scan to discuss the results...but I currently have an appointment for before this date...which bizarrely is on a Friday, despite the fact that according to the reception, the midwives only work on Wednesday and Thursday during the week. And I can't change my appointment, because there's no midwife there to speak to...

I was pretty disappointed with the level of care during my first pregnancy. I never saw the same midwife twice, and after Ella was born it was 5 days before they sent anyone to my house (they're supposed to turn up the next day) - and only then because I phoned up and demanded to know what was going on. As I don't really want to have to go through all of that again, I'm currently trying to find out if I can change midwives, or at least be assigned the same one all the way through the pregnancy. But it's currently looking unlikely. All of the numbers that are listed on the front of the maternity record either don't work, or connect to people who are not responsible for answering questions, or booking appointments. As I wasn't too enamoured of the birth unit at St Thomas' last time, and didn't have any difficulties in labour I am considering a home birth this time...but this seems pretty unrealistic/impossible given the current level of care I'm receiving: i.e. none. Allegedly if I phone back tomorrow then I'll at least be able to change my appointment and make a new one. That's a assuming I want to continue attending a clinic that is dirty and understaffed, and where I've had to wait on average an hour to be seen by a midwife when I have had previous appointments.
[add a comment]


15.01.07
Monday morning...
I really should never be allowed to have online contact with people on Monday mornings. Just burnt my bridges with the pregnancy forum I was reading, but to be honest given that my reaction to most of their posts was 'oh for god's sake...get a life' it's probably better for my blood pressure if I don't read their mails any more! I'm not sure just what it is about them that irritates me so much - perhaps I'm just becoming more intolerant as I get older.

18 weeks and 2 days now...and I've been getting a lot of kicks over the last few days, which is lovely and really reassuring. I wasn't aware of any movement till at least 20 weeks last time, but last night the baby was moving around so much that you could see my belly jumping and distorting, and Stuart actually felt a wriggle...again quite a few weeks earlier than last time. They do say that you can feel quickening sooner the second time, and I have been feeling vague flutters for several weeks now, but these are definite strong movements...I do think the shape of my belly is developing differently: it feels much higher up than last time, and although it's growing quite big now, I can still wear my size 10 jeans and a belt quite comfortably. This is probably why I'm also much more aware of movement so much earlier - as it's higher up? Or maybe this is going to be one active baby....
[add a comment]


11.01.07
A lot more kicks
Wow...bean is going crazy in there now...lots more kicks. Definitely starting to feel a lot more real, and it's reassuring to know that it's alive and kicking...
Still catch myself reeling in shock at the thought that I'm pregnant again...but maybe in a weird kind of way this baby was meant to be conceived. After all I didn't get pregnant dozens of times for a couple of years after meeting with Stuart...and most of the time we didn't use any contraception. Yet now, the one and only time I didn't use a condom since having Ella I got pregnant instantly. What's that about? And what about the years before meeting Stuart? I certainly can't claim I was always careful about contraception...but managed to avoid all but one scare up till the age of 31. It's odd. Either it was some kind of fate, or it really is true that you're much more fertile after having one child. At any rate...five minutes of drunken sex and here I am, gradually swelling and with young one starting to make it's presence known. I feel damn pregnant today!


[add a comment]


11.01.07
Ball ache
Have just spent the entire morning trying to move files from one folder to another on the server. Annoyingly, I used FTP, when I should have just ssh'd in using terminal...would have made the whole process much quicker. The fact that it's taken all morning instead, and that this is my own fault, is particularly annoying. Although to be fair if my client's IT dept weren't so fucking useless, they would have set up the server properly in the first place. V V V V V V V annoying as I have other work I ought to be doing today.

In other news, I felt five or six little kicks last night, over a period of a few hours, just above my pubic bone. This is encouraging: the little bean is finally getting big and strong enough to let me know it's there. Still wondering is it a girl- or boy-shaped bean...only another month before I find out. Stuart reckons the bump is starting to spread a bit now...although I still feel as though I'm carrying high and round, rather than low and across...if that makes any sense. It is definitely getting a bit wider now though....we shall see. Not that you can tell what's inside from the shape of the bump, but I'm intensely curious about how it will develop.
[add a comment]


10.01.07
Toddler day today
Got Ella, Jasmine and Ida to look after today. Luckily they're all asleep now; so I'll get an hour or so's respite to get a bit of work done. Working on a newsletter manager, which is nice and involving and fairly creative, so that's fairly fun, and I'm chugging along through the work without too many distractions. I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to concentrate any more, but I think in reality I didn't have a sufficiently engaging task. Brain still seems to be working at sufficient capacity anyway.

The other thing I was worried about was the meeting yesterday, and whether the CE would clock that I was pregnant; but it seems my concerns were groundless, and either I'm not as big as I thought I was, or my clothes / posture hid it well. He didn't comment, and neither did the person I had a meeting with straight after. In fact she was pretty surprised when I told her that I was expecting a baby in June. So, next meeting with a client who doesn't know is Monday....do I mention it to them before then? Or leave it and see if they notice...could be a bit embarassing if they do, so maybe I'd better let them know first. Theoretically you don't have to tell your employer till you're 25 weeks, and I'm only seventeen; so I could keep it quiet for the moment. Hmmm.

That's all for the moment: best get on. Did just launch a new design for the LRB Bookshop, which I'm pretty pleased with.
» LRB Bookshop
[add a comment]


08.01.07
Monday morning
Where has my mojo gone? Work hasn't quite kicked off yet, but will start getting busy again this week. Just spent half an hour looking at pictures of myself when pregnant with my first. It's a slightly scary thing to do...the 20's were not too bad, but from 30 weeks I got really massive: a huge bump from sternum to pube - it's a wonder I could breathe at all. This one seems to be developing differently...but I can't help comparing the two, and thinking this is how big I'll be in two weeks...in 4 weeks... Well I probably won't be doing this pregnancy thing again after this, so I might as well get into it. Actually on the whole I'm enjoying this pregnancy. I feel pretty well, not knackered any more. I have a couple more aches and pains in the back / pelvis, but feel good in myself. I feel sexy too! It helps that I haven't put on too much weight, and that's only really on breasts and belly. My wardrobe is becoming increasingly limited, so I hit the shops the other day and picked up a couple of cheapies from Mark One. All the stuff in mothercare is horrible, and I can't bring myself to spend money on stuff I'll only wear for a couple of months. As your body changes pretty rapidly when you're pregnant, last time I found I went through several sets of clothes. Of course that was partly the excitement of first pregnancy making me run out and buy maternity stuff as soon as I expanded an inch. This time round I'm still wearing my normal jeans, though don't know how much longer they'll fit me...and have just bought a couple of longer tops to cover the bump. My sister-in-law's got a couple of things too - so hopefully I'll be able to get them back off her.
[add a comment]


06.01.07
17 Weeks
Forgot to measure myself for a while: the bump is 36/7 inches round at the moment: a bit less than the same stage last time, but I'm definitely feeling a lot bigger all of a sudden over the last week. Whilst I've been feeling bigger from time to time over the last 3-4 weeks, it was mostly bloating. Now my uterus has grown to just beneath my belly button, and it feels really different. I have to consciously remember give in to the temptation to let my belly hang out, even though that's increasingly what the muscles want to to. It puts too much strain on the lower back - as does not being able to bend at the waist. I'm being really careful to bend my knees when picking Ella up. I seem to be getting some braxton-hicks - though I would have thought it was too early to feel them - I don't remember getting them till the late 20's last time. I don't think they're doing any harm, and they're not painful. But it certainly gives you pause for thought. Your whole belly goes hard and much bigger, and you get a feeling of pressure in your abdomen. When it goes like that, if I breathe in I get a sharp poke in the top left quadrant of my abdomen. I don't know if this is baby: the bones are starting to ossify this week apparently, and it will weigh nearly half a pound! And at approximately 7 inches crown to rump, it's no wonder that my belly has had to expand a bit to accommodate it.

It's a bit weird having to refer to the baby as 'it'. On 8th Feb I'll hopefully find out the gender, assuming the baby is feeling cooperative. Another little girl? Or a boy? I can't tell yet - although for some reason I feel boy, what with the little differences between this pregnancy and the last, and a gut instinct.

This is not to say I'd necessarily prefer a boy: a little girl would be lovely. A friend for Ella - and I really love having a little girl. Even though Ella's a bit of a tom boy; as soon as she works out how she'll be climbing trees. You can't help wondering how you will cope with their differences. Ella feels like an unusual child. The contrast between her and her peers was quite massive at her birthday party. The way she played with things, talked about them, and interacted with the adults as well as the children. She seems so much more 'conscious' than most other two-year olds. Whilst they are still demanding 'mik', she is commenting on the weather. This is not to say she's some kind of genius. Her hand-to-eye coordination is pretty standard for her age, or even a bit behind. She's good at puzzles, but hasn't yet worked out zips and screwtops. I can't help wondering what the next child's personalitry will be like. The key is never to compare them I suppose: each will be unique, with their own merits, and faults.
[add a comment]


04.01.07
Concentration issues
I'm still finding it really hard to concentrate on work. I'm not in the throes of any major projects at the moment, except one to architect a magazine site - but I'm finding it really hard to concentrate on that. As soon as I open the wireframes my mind wanders, and I can't seem to get into my usual focused state, whereby I can visualise all the elements that need to be on the interface and how people will use them. Maybe once i have a few more things kicking off, and am having to structure my time on more than one project again it will improve. I certainly hope so as I have a lot of work to get through before June, especially as I will have to save hard for maternity leave. I estimate I have to earn 12-15K between now and then to cover living expenses and time off, as currently I tend to pay a bit more for bills and mortgage than S. But to do this I need to get a bit more motivation going. Get out and drum up the work and then do it. In some ways concentration problems were reduced last time. I was working in an office five days a week for 6 months of the pregnancy on a high-pressure project and didn't have the leisure to daydream. Now my time is a lot more fragmented what with childcare and working at home. It's harder to get that self-discipline sorted. Especially as it looks like all my work will be at home rather than on-site this year. It has it's advantages, but it does get quite lonely sometimes.
[add a comment]


02.01.07 | 1 comments
Right now I want my body back
Can't believe how much and suddenly the belly's grown: I even had rib pain yesterday, and my belly button's got really shallow, which didn't happen till about eight months last time. I wonder will it pop out completely this time? Actually I think this is quite likely as it does if I stretch the skin a bit with my fingers. I give it...3 weeks. I wonder what it will be like having an outtie? I used to be quite repulsed by them: just shows you can get used to the idea of anything.

Lower back feels quite stiff and sore - especially around the vertebrae. I'll have to quickly adjust to trying not to bend too much, and remember to use my knees and squat to pick things up. Jeans are still fitting fine. It seems that the bump is much higher up than before - or my jeans fit differently. The rib-ache would point to it being much higher. Does this suggest that I'm just going to keep growing straight out this time? No sign of growth on the sides of my torso...from the back you can't tell I'm pregnant at all.


[add a comment]


30.12.06
Year's ending.
It's really hard to keep track of yourself when you have a kid. I used to be a lot more reflective, spend hours writing and reading, and just thinking about the world. Now I'm lucky if I get time to read a novel or make a journal entry. This is partly a state of mind thing. I probably would have plenty of time for these things, given that I get 24 hours a week to myself. But this is work time, so doesn't really afford the leisure to look outside stuff. I feel like I've become too insular.

Maybe pregnancy isn't helping - falling asleep at 9 in the evening - which is about an hour of chill-time by the time you factor in making dinner, feeding Ella, bath, bedtime etc. I've taken the last few days off work. It's been nice, all of us being together as a family, going swimming and exploring together (ok, it was only Bromley, but we approached it from an anthropological bent).

I do miss being social. With New Year approaching, I can't help thinking of all the friends I've spent previous New Year's with, and wondering what most off them are up to. It's so easy to lose track of people when you rarely go out. Obviously I could go out more, but the insular tendency means that half the time I don't get round to contacting people, and in London people soon forget you exist if you don't remind them occasionally. I suppose it's partly because a lot of friends that used to live locally have moved on.

I can't help feeling I missing out intellectually, and culturally. I'm lucky enough to live in an amazing city, with a vast array of experiences to be had on a daily basis. I miss theatre, and good comedy, and clubs and stimulating conversation. Don't get me wrong, I'm married to a smart and interesting person and I love spending lots of time with him, but he can't contain the world in himself: no one could. I think a New Year's resolution has to be to make more effort to keep friendships alive, and go out. This could be hard with another baby on the way...but June is a good six months away. I feel if I let things slide before then, by the time the baby haze has cleared I'll have drifted so far away from them that I won't be able to find my way back. People move on.

Anyway this is not to say we will have a lonely New Year - friends are coming round to party, and the lovely neighbours upstairs will be partying too. So it should be open house. And then on Tuesday, Ella will be 2. So that'll be another party with five or six of her playmates and their handlers: so generally, fairly sociable. A good start to the New Year's resolutions. I love it when a plan come's together.

In case all seems doom and gloom, I did squeeze in rollerskating and 3 games of pool (two of which I won!) at the Hobgoblin earlier, so I don't think I've become entirely staid and parental.
[add a comment]


30.12.06
16 weeks
Still nothing I can definitely quantify as movement, though sometimes there's a ghostly sensation of something doing somersaults in my stomach, and yesterday a phantom kick. Allegedly the fetus is five and a half inches long now - so you'd think I would be able to tell what it's up to in there. Still, it's about to go through a big growth spurt this week and next, so I'm sure it won't be long. The growth spurt is already showing on my waist, which is starting to disappear, to be replaced with a fairly high-up round bump. Very different to last time it seems...and the position/shape means that it's showing later (can still hide it completely if I breathe in) or maybe that's just my imagination or wishful thinking! Still it seems to me that after an initial 'pop' at 10-ish weeks it hasn't really grown that much more. I've a feeling that this will change over the next few weeks though....I was pretty big by 20 weeks last time.

Starting to be a little less comfortable in bed - not because of the bump (can still lie on my belly if I want) but a bit of back / pelvis pain. Pretty easily controlled with pelvic floor excercises. I wish I'd known about them last time - I think I would have saved myself a lot of pain, though maybe the SPD would have been as bad anyway. Generally optimistic though. Time is still creeping along, but at least I'm adapting to the idea that I'm going to have another baby, even though sometimes I still stop and realise it again in a shocked way...
[add a comment]


27.12.06
Cranky Christmas
Thank fuck that's over for another year...I bloody hate Christmas. This may be because my family is particularly crap at dealing with the festive season: you can pretty much guarantee a standup row between my mum and somebody else. Last year we managed to avoid the actual Christmas meal as mum had the standup row a few days before Christmas so wasn't actually speaking to us (which meant she missed seeing Ella walking for the first time, but I don't think that bothered her too much as she's not particularly sentimental). The main thing that Christmas has been is b o r i n g.
[add a comment]


24.12.06
Sad news
A friend of mine has just miscarried for the second time after IVF. She's been trying to conceive for quite a long time now - and really cutting everything out of her diet, etc. It's very sad, as she would make a great parent. At least there is a slight glimmer of hope in the fact that she was able to conceive at all. But it makes you think. Here's me, wondering if I want another child, and terrified at the prospect, and she's had to deal with this terrible loss. I really ought to be thanking my lucky stars that I've had so few problems so far (although I did vomit in Ella's painting box this morning, which was rather unpleasant...)

All that said I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet. Still quite tired, and my hip / pelvis flared up yesterday evening due to walking around in the cold all evening. Came home and fell asleep at about 10 due to total knackeredness. Still it's Christmas day tomorrow, so I forsee a couple of days of chilling out...as much as is possible with a particularly active almost-2 year old to look after.
[add a comment]


22.12.06
Thoughts
Having done this before my mind is naturally turning to the subject of birth. I even found myself wondering if I should have a home birth a little while ago - though I can't help thinking it might be a little gory for Ella - she'd have to be somewhere else. And it would depend on everything being totallly uncomplicated...I don't know. I think it's still the hospital this time for me. St Thomas' again. We left things a bit late last time, and also forgot the notes - with the consequence that I got stuck in a room full of women on their phones with crying babies that kept me up all night instead of in a nice room in the home-from-home unit with Stuart. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep and got out of there as fast as possible. Next time I hope we will be a little less headless, and actually remember the key important thing. We were so caught up with getting through the labour that the neighbour (who has had 9 children and obviously knows the signs) had to come and tell us to go to the hospital. If she hadn't, I probably would have had Ella in the bath! The other reason we got to hospital sooo late was because the midwives kept telling me to hold on...apparently the fact that I could still speak normally on the phone meant I didn't actually require their services. Well: I must have a fairly high pain threshold, because by the time I arrived I was fully dilated and hadn't used any painkillers at all except a tens machine and a couple of spliffs. Shows how much they can tell from someone's voice.

Second babies are generally supposed to come quicker than the first. So I can't help thinking that it would be smart to get there sooner rather than later. But who knows - things could be entirely different this time round. Still quite a long time before i need to deal with actually birthing the little person who's growing in my belly. Concentrate on staying happy and healthy for the next 6 months, and fingers crossed that everything goes well.
[add a comment]


22.12.06 | 1 comments
Bloody hell
All that stretching yesterday was not in my imagination: there's a big round bump there now! My whole centre of balance, body shape and posture has changed overnight - it's most odd. The same thing happened last time, at exactly the same stage, so it's not exactly a surprise, but it's still freaky.


[add a comment]


21.12.06
Oooof...too much dinner
Well in view of general popping today, I would have done well to avoid eating too much this evening - but since the haggis, neeps and tatties we had for dinner were SOOOO delicious I ate rather more than was advisable. Consequence: I now have a massive bump and some serious stretching is going on...a little foretaste of what it will feel like in a couple of months time. Of course, being a little on the short side, there's nowhere for it to go except up and out...
[add a comment]


21.12.06
Still very distracted
The last couple of work days have been very uproductive - but that may be because it's nearly Christmas and I don't actually have any specific deadlines at the moment. Most of my work is in limbo, with various projects due to start in the New Year - although I do have a biggish site to design and architect, so I should really be getting on with that. I really can't be bothered though. I find myself reading mailling lists, news sites, trashy magazines. It's absolutely freezing outside - the temperature is due to be 0c tomorrow. Really if I can't be bothered to work I should be making better use of my time than sitting in front of the computer procrastinating on the web...but then I'd feel guilty and might miss something important coming in...

Well anyway I'll go and pick menace (AKA the darling Ella) up in a few hours. The poor dear's sick at the moment (unusually - she is normally healthy as anything) with the same lurgy we've all got: runny nose and a bad chest.
[add a comment]


21.12.06
Growing
Funny thing how unpredictable your body is when you're pregnant. I went to a Christmas party on Tuesday, and no one could tell I was pregnant. Yesterday afternoon and evening I felt some stretching and pulling sensations and my stomach grew by several inches. This isn't unusual in the evening, and I had eaten about 1/2 a dozen satsumas. But it's still there this morning, along with more stretching and pulling sensations - especially in my lower abdomen. I've abandoned my jeans for the moment.

It's strange how the bump popped at 14+6 weeks last time - and exactly the same this time. Does that mean that my stomach muscles are still as strong as they were first time round? Maybe my pelvic floor excercises have been paying off ;)
[add a comment]


19.12.06
Oh dear
Not doing well today: let's just say email isn't always the best form of communication. I made a couple of comments on a list this morning which apparently merited a vicious personal attack from another member, which is also apparently ok because I deserved it...a bit depressing.
[add a comment]


18.12.06
Diminishing obsession
I think I'm finally adapting to the thought that I'm pregnant. I feel less obsessed with it, and far less generally distracted. A lot of what I have been going through the last few weeks stemmed from a subconscious inability to accept that I'm going to have another child - mixed of course with the usual fear of miscarriage, that makes part of you not want to accept it in case the pregnancy ends, because it feels like it would make that event easier to accept. Or something. Anyway, now that I'm in the second trimester I feel much calmer.

I still haven't made any 'announcements' - just telling people as I see them, and I according to Mum I don't 'look' pregnant yet. I'm going to a client's christmas party tomorrow and I'm wondering if I should mention it or leave it to the next meeting we have after the new year...when it will no doubt be fairly obvious as I'll be 17 weeks by then. Most of my clients seemed to deal with it fairly well when I was pregnant with Ella, and I was able to arrange some cover for the months I took off for those clients that needed stuff doing, so I don't think they'll have an eppie or fire me, but obviously you still wonder. I've my first meeting with the new CE of a company I have been working with for over five years in early January. I'm sure it will be pretty obvious I'm pregnant by then, and I wonder how he'll react knowing that I'm the only one who really knows how all their web stuff is put together...and he's never met me before, so he doesn't really have the context of the five years of excellent work I've done for his company. It's a bit of a worry. I'm sure it will be fine though.
[add a comment]


15.12.06
Scary stuff
Yesterday when I went to pick Ella up I managed to get trapped in the park (in the dark) and had to climb out - and try and lift my bike over a seven foot fence - which was not easy, as it weighs a good 20 kilos with the childseat on the back. In fact it felt like a rather bad thing to be doing, as when I lifted it above my head I felt a worrying tearing sensation down in the region of my lower abdomen. Luckily a kind person on the other side of the road answered my cries for assistance, and came and steadied the bike whilst I hopped over the fence myself. They looked a bit shocked when I said 'thanks for helping me with that - I'm not supposed to be lifting bikes over fences: I'm pregnant!'. I have to say though, that most fences don't present any challenge to one who spent 3 years at Cambridge breaking into various colleges in the dead of night. Ah the old days ;)

I did get rather a fright later in the evening when I had a couple of strong braxton hicks contractions though: my belly went massive, and hard and felt like it was trying to push down. It's much too early for BH yet, so I was a bit concerned. I lay down for a bit and they stopped. Hmmm think I'll be a bit more careful with lifting heavy weights from now on.

In other news, we have definite showing now. I feel a bit less obsessed with my body. I think it's the not knowing what it would do next that was most freaky. Now that the bump has arrived I know pretty much what will happen: it will get bigger and bigger for the next six months, until I give birth!
[add a comment]


13.12.06
Pregnancy sickness
There seems to have been a resurgence of the nausea over the last few days - nothing for a few weeks, then a bit in the evening, then morning nausea that wore off, and now today, retching until noon (and still feeling pretty sick now). Hopefully it will be gone for good soon. I ran to the shop for some cheese and onion crisps this morning (as they seem to help) and got a funny look from a woman across the street when she heard me retching. Probably assumed i was an addict in withdrawal.
[add a comment]


12.12.06
Sick
Feeling quite nauseous today - not sure why that is. I thought pregnancy sickness was supposed to be stopping right about now? But the familiar back of the throat nausea and metallic mouth seem to be back again. Satsumas help a lot I find.
[add a comment]


12.12.06
Things that annoy me

1. Clients that leave everything on the long finger and then want them finished 'yesterday'.
2. Software that looks useful, but has so many extras it's a total pain to use
3. People that use dumb abbreviations: e.g. women on pregnancy forums with their 'dd', 'ds', 'ttc'. Why? Is this something that I'm just not getting? What's wrong with putting 'daughter' 'husband', 'son'? I appreciate that in the context of texting, abbreviations make sense. But please keep them out of written english!

[add a comment]


11.12.06 | 1 comments
Posting a lot today
But it's Monday, it's raining, and I'm having difficulty focussing on my work. Today I am mostly architecting a big magazine site for a client. My brain's currently chugging through the 'amalgamating all elements into one big picture' phase, which means I'm doing a lot of surfing, and looking at other sites, and thinking about which elements on the rather confused prototype are most important and how they should all fit together. My site map is an inchoate mess, with elements all over the place, and notes on interaction paths. But it's coming together. In the meantime I am having fits of daydreaming, and thinking about the pregnancy.

I have felt two funny jumps (kicks or muscle spasms?) in the same place today - left side of my belly, fairly low down - and also feeling fairly round so I have been wondering about maternity clothes. I have already sorted out the clothes that will definitely fit for a few more months - but never seem to have that many long tops. Somewhat foolishly (in retrospect - but how was I to know I'd be pregnant again in less than 2 years?) I gave away all of my maternity clothes from the first time round apart from one pair of horrible and shapeless jogging pants that are way too long for me. I did make a reconnaissance trip to a couple of shops the other week (top shop, mamas and papas) but their clothes were either impractably light for winter or overpriced and badly cut. Hennes was fairly good last time, though it seems that all you can ever buy are black and pastel. I suppose it's all about what you feel comfortable in.

Something about Mondays...I wonder if it's because it's the begin ning of the week and I'm usually working at home alone, but they seem to last a long time...and to be the beginning of a loooong week. Tuesday zips fast as I work like a demon knowing I'll have no worktime again till Thursday. Wednesday is a blur of nappy changes, food preparation and coloured paper with the girls. Thursday suddenly feels like the end of the week, and by Friday another week has passed and I'm marking it off my calendar and notching up another small milestone. It's hard to say whether time has slowed down since getting pregnant again. Maybe it's just because I'm measuring weeks off, rather than just playing catch up with life as it zooms past. But on days like today it feels like it's turned to treacle. I must remember to value these quiet moments now as life will get a lot more hectic when number 2 arrives....although sometimes the wait can feel frustrating. It takes a long time to grow a baby!

[add a comment]


11.12.06
must....resist...
the temptation to look at old pregnancy photos. According to comparison, I am now the same size as I was when 17 weeks pregnant with Ella (13+2 today). Now given that the baby is 4 weeks smaller, that seems impossible...maybe photos can lie? I've so far resisted the temptation to buy any maternity clothes. But I think my jeans will start getting uncomfortable in the next couple of weeks...they are pretty low-waisted, but not designed for no-waist.

Despite similarities in size, this bump seems to be developing into a different shape. With the first I just blew up all over - hips, abs just became rounder and rounder. With this one I have lines down both sides of my abdomen, and more of a defined round / swelling in the lower belly area....hmmmm wonder if this is because of a gender difference? Or is this just an old wives tale....
[add a comment]


11.12.06
The secret
to not feeling that you are fat and unnattractive whilst pregnant is to remember and celebrate your assets. I've got great legs! I had forgotten all about this, as I tend to get lazy and wear jeans all the time, but today I am wearing a sixties minidress and patterned tights. Say it loud: 'I'm round and I'm proud!!!'
[add a comment]


10.12.06
Sunday afternoon
It's been a nice weekend so far - I went to an old client's christmas party on Friday night, which turned out to include karioke. Was most amusing watching the pissed-up ceo doing a punk version of bohemian rhapsody. And had a good chat with a guy I used to work with, at which, rather ironically, I found myself dispensing all kinds of good advice for him for his (first time) pregnant girlfriend...of the 'pregnancy seems like a big deal but it's only the prequel'. He was saying he couldn't understand her body issues. It doesn't seem like she's gained any weight, but she's paranoid about it. 'she may not look big to you, but to her it probably feels like she's huge.' I could have been talking about myself. I'm sure all women have body issues during pregnancy - especially in our appearance obsessed age - although you may look forward to 'looking' pregnant, having a bump and feeling movement, etc, there's also a sense that your body's become a terrorist.

Gotta run - Ella wants a cuddle
[add a comment]


08.12.06
ok, irritable AND depressed: RANT RANT RANT
Sometimes I have days where it all seems tooooooo much. Like there's no end in sight, and life is just unremittedly awful. I have a lovely child and a loving husband - but life is never perfect. My lovely husband has a dead-end job that barely covers his expenses, which means that I'm mainly responsible for paying the mortgage, bills and any holidays that we have. Ever. Every few months (especially since Ella came along) I ask him if he's ever going to change his job. After all, he's not 20 any more, and the industry that he's working in is gradually getting slower and slower, with more and more people chasing the same few jobs. Now that he's only working 3.5 days a week (and how can a day and a half make that much difference?) he's earning even less. If I didn't work then there's no way that we could sustain a lifestyle in London. If I hadn't worked my ARSE off, then we wouldn't have been able to afford our flat. And if I don't CONTINUE to work, then there's no way that we can pay the mortgage, bills. Etc.

So, obviously, being pregnant again, there is a level of stress associated with the fact that I'm certainly going to have to take a least a few months off. The state will give me £100 a week...for 26 weeks, which at least helps....but in general I feel slightly resentful that I am the one that has to worry, and save, and then give up time with my child and go back to work all because HE doesn't want to change his job.

What makes this even harder is that I'm self-employed. If I don't get off my arse and work then NO money will come in. I've always known this, and dealt with it, and been reasonably successful. So it's hard to maintain respect for someone who spends every working day being told exactly where and when to go, and what to do when he gets there. Not exactly a self-starter.

It's not like he doesn't have any other skills: I think he's just afraid. I'd rather he didn't earn ANY money for a little while if it meant that he might actually have a decent job at the end of it. But no, he'd rather continue doing the same thing he's been doing for 20 years, even though his wages have been going down and down, than make any change in his life.

It's hard when I'm chatting to other mums, and mums-to-be, and they have the option of being a stay at home parent, or going back to work...or whatever they want to do. Because they have husbands that actually earn a decent level of income. I've tried being supportive and encouraging, and nagging, and even losing my temper. Nothing seems to make the slightest difference. I'm at my wits end. At least today. Tomorrow I'll no doubt have resigned myself to the situation again, and we'll continue like that until it occurs to me that it's TOTALLY FUCKING UNFAIR and I lose my rag at him again ;(
[add a comment]


08.12.06
Irritable!
13 weeks today. I'm really irritable this morning for some reason! Maybe it's because of annoying clients that don't know their arse from their elbow...I wonder if I'm becoming less tolerant?
[add a comment]


07.12.06
sudden growth
I feel huge today! I think it really has popped this time. Bought myself a comfy sweater-dress yesterday, and just in time - the belly has decided to become football-sized overnight. There is no now doubt that I'm pregnant...Getting a lot more round-ligament pain if I stand up too quickly from seated, and also slightly out of breath - even on the phone earlier. Hmm. I've got a weird feeling this is going to be a boy. I've been eating everything in site but have actually lost a couple of pounds over the last week. Also my stomach seems to be going straight out: the weight seemed to go onto my hips first last time.
[add a comment]


06.12.06
Why am I so shy?
It's rather odd really, considering that I've had one child already, and we are out of the main danger period for this baby, that I'm so reluctant to tell people. Today I met a few mums in the park / playground, and one of them mentioned that I was pregnant in front of another friend that I hadn't told already. Immediately I got a butterfly feeling in my chest and sweaty palms, and generally felt uncomfortable and shy about it, as well as a bit embarassed. I think I'm still really conflicted about being pregnant, and being seen to be pregnant. I was the same with Ella - but you'd think I'd be a bit more comfortable with it this time. There's a lot of things that I'd probably like to discuss with other mums, but I'm too embarassed: and if you knew me you'd know that I'm not generally shy at all. I can't understand it.

As it is, time is running out for me to be undercover. The bump is growing. This morning I could feel my whole uterus, sticking up out out of my pelvis. A round, softball sized lump with a baby in it! I'm sure I've been feeling the odd flutter as well, though of course it's impossible to be sure at this early stage: it's just as likely to be wind. I know I've been saying to myself for a couple of weeks 'the bump is coming' only for my stomach to mysteriously go flat again (the fact that I tend to automatically hold my tummy in all the time anyway is probably partly to do with this). However, now it's getting to the point where even when I'm standing up straight and tensing my muscles you can still see a telltale roundness, so I guess the time is coming when the muscles will just have to give up again for a while. Still doing the pelvic floors as much as possible; I don't want to end up with debilitating back and pelvic pain again!


[add a comment]


05.12.06
Sooooooo much work today
Need to give myself a little break from concentrating. It's times like this I wish I worked in an office - although most of them seem to be rather dull from what I've seen recently, so maybe I'm not missing out on that much. Juggling about 4 different projects today; mostly project management and IA, but a bit of design thrown in. I'm making a 'newsletter'. Trouble is I don't really have my design head on today. Need some inspiration!

Did I mention the 12th week has come already? In the excitement of the scan that small detail escaped. So things are looking more and more positive, and in another 10 days I'll be in the second trimester already and can hopefully chill out and get on with stuff.

Symptoms - I'm still getting a bit of nausea now and then (but pretty minor, mostly a bit of retching first thing whilst I'm making breakfast) and still getting the odd outrageously early night (9ish last night) so don't think I'm quite out of the first trimester woods yet. Oh - and breasts are about double the usual size and rather tender. Unfortunately I'm sure this will only get worse before it gets better. MMMM yes we're really looking forward to that post-birth engorgement when the milk comes in...
» 12 Week development
[add a comment]


04.12.06
Random thoughts
I hope I don't disappear into babydom when this next one arrives - or become totally neurotic and sleep-deprived. It seems like different people cope with things in their own way though. Whilst one friend I have still seems effectively housebound and sleepless when their son is 10 months old, another is out enjoying herself with both babies in tow, and has been since new sprog was barely out of the womb. She seems to take everything in her stride. Actually friend number one is the most neurotic person I know, and we both dealt with our first children very differently (and had very different experiences with them as well.) Her kids are always sick and seem to lurch from one illness to another, whilst their mother is continually suffering from some kind of cold, flu or vomiting bug.

A lot of people seem to have more trouble with boys. They're more likely to suffer from colic and poor sleeping, and their mothers seem to spend all their time trying to satisfy their prodigious appetites. Ella was always a good sleeper (from six weeks she slept pretty much through the night) to the point where I used to wake her because I was worried she wasn't getting a night feed. So I never really had to deal with sleeplessness (not being an insomniac helps: if do get woken I'm usually asleep again pretty quickly). I do remember spending HOURS feeding her in the early weeks - but maybe that was partly inexperience on my part, and a little laziness on hers. Aside from that though, she was hardly troubling. Wonder how I'd cope with a colickly and sickly child that wants to feed continually? Hopefully I won't have one and won't have to find out!
[add a comment]


04.12.06
Phew!
Two arms, two legs, one head and a heartbeat! That's a relief. I had almost convinced myself that I was carrying a dead foetus around in my stomach. I suppose theoretically we can go public with it now (although I've already told a few people) but I don't really feel like shouting from the rooftops. I'm sure people will work it out over the next few weeks as I start to Swwwwwweeeeeellllll.

Bumped into one of the mothers from the one o'clock club, who looked rather surprised to see me for some reason. She was going for her 20 week, and had quite a nice bump going on. I on the other hand am looking slimmer than ever - thanks to the deflating comments of the midwife last week, I've got into the habit of holding my belly in, so you really can't tell at all now. I really think the swelling that was going on a couple of weeks ago was water / food retention, and also a state of mind thing. Looks like this one will follow the previous pattern, so I can expect to start showing in 2 or three weeks (slightly) and for it to be obvious by about week 18. I'm a bit more comfortable with that to be honest.

And now to the scan itself...weirdly (or maybe not so weirdly) the little bugger looked quite different to Ella at the same stage...she seemed somehow more delicate?


» have a closer look
[add a comment]


30.11.06
Midwife appointment
So that went ok: the usual fairly long wait to be seen, which I spent filling in the maternity book, and producing the requisite urine sample. (it doesn't get any easier weeing into the teeny little bottles they give you). The midwife that I saw was a locum / temp as they only have two at Streatham anyway, and one was on holiday, so like last time the chances of me seeing the same person twice throughout the pregnancy are slim. Hopefully this one will be as uncomplicated as before, and the visits will be just routine, so it won't matter. They're all generally friendly and seem capable, so I don't mind too much if they're different.

No chance of listening to the heartbeat, as she said her doppler wasn't that sensitive and she couldn't feel my uterus anyway. I thought it was a bit higher, but maybe that's just first thing in the morning, when it's sitting on top of a full bowel and bladder. It was certainly shy and far down the pelvis when she gave me a quick examination. Generally she seemed to think everything was pretty straightforward and normal - blood pressure, urine, weight - and that enlarged and sore boobs were a pretty good sign that the hormones are doing their job. I guess I'll just have to wait until Monday to have any more clues as to what's going on in there. Right, now: back to work!
[add a comment]


29.11.06
my wonderful daughter, Ella
Well, strictly this is a pregnancy blog - but I just want to take a moment to celebrate my wonderful daughter. She's so cool! She will not be 2 till January, but can already hold a conversation, and spends plenty of time telling you her opinion on things: for example on the way to the park this morning with Ida. 'This is a dandelion! Ella loves dandelions very much. Mummy: blow it for me!" Moments like this are to be treasured, and make up for the time I spend running after her whilst other babes are sitting quietly in their mother's laps. I'm not sure how she's managed to learn to talk so fluently at such a young age (none of her peers seem to have progressed much past single word demands) but I love it. I also love the fact that she's into books, drawing, making collages and telling stories. She's a laugh a minute.

I can't help wondering what the second child will be like (assuming, fingers crossed, that everything goes ok). Ella's such a live-wire, and takes after me more than S in that sense: he's much calmer and less manic than I am. If the second child takes after him, then we're looking at a kind, thoughtful and tidy child. Now there's a thought! Unless of course you're into the whole nature versus nurture debate, and Ella's just a little mad because she's spent so much of her formative time with her crazy mummy...
[add a comment]


28.11.06
funny conversation
Just had a funny conversation with the guy next door who is a cranial sacral osteopath. He gave a me a treatment a few weeks ago, so I had to tell him I was pregnant (it affects the treatment apparently). So we had a short chat about how his work is going, etc and then he asked me 'so have you told anyone yet?' - I said not really, until after the scan next monday. His reply? 'Well I suppose it's Christmas - people will just assume that you've been eating all the pies'. 'Oh! does it look like that?' I asked. 'Yes it does rather! Have you been eating all the pies?'.

So maybe I'm kidding myself that people can't tell - but after all, he did know already...
[add a comment]


27.11.06
Worries
I remember the first trimester as being in a way the hardest part to deal with. Basically until I get the ultrasound next Monday (only a week to go now) I haven't got any clue of what's going on in there. My belly may be round or flat, which could be bloating or womb - but I don't know which, and why it goes up and down as it does. You feel moody, randomly nauseous and weirdly self-conscious because you can feel your body is changing, but no one else can see it yet. I don't mind the being undercover part, but it would be nice to get the booking-in (with Midwife, happening this thursday) and the ultrasound out of the way - and the first trimester done with. There's still uncertainty all the way through pregnancy, but I don't think it's ever as bad as those 6 weeks or so between finding out you're pregnant, and having a 3rd party visual confirmation of what's happening inside you. Certainly made things a lot more real and less worrying last time - once we were able to see a healthy baby, with a heartbeat, normal nuchal fold, etc. Well I'm sure Monday will come soon enough, but from a relative perspective time is dragging its heels.

What to expect at the first Midwife's appt? Well probably blood pressure (which the doctor strangely didn't check when I had my first appt a few weeks ago), blood tests, feel for the uterus and take down details etc for the pregnancy record documents. It will almost definitely be too early to listen for a heart-beat. Still I've had no pains, spotting or other bad signs so far, so hopefully everything is still alright in there. Weirdly, although I can still feel the top of my womb just above my pelvis (it feels like a ridge, on a round ball) the incipient belly which appeared last week seems to have vanished again. Must have been pies!
[add a comment]


25.11.06
11 weeks
Yesterday. It's really hitting home to me now. For one thing, I'm already finding it harder to sleep - woke at 4am this morning, and my lower belly really felt like it was under strain...aching and stretching and really hard. This was relieved slightly after using the bathroom - but not much. Lying on my tummy (which is the way I often sleep) is getting harder too - it feels as though there's a squidgy bag between my hips and my breasts are quite hard and lumpy. Bra still fits (just about) but I think it won't be too long before I have to switch out of underwires and into pregnancy bras.

I'm just not ready to be this big I think: already feels like I was balancing E on top of the bump when I was carrying her around this morning - but it's odd - it comes and goes. I remember from last time the day came though when I couldn't suck the gut in and make it magically disappear. I suppose that's the point at which even the most unobservant person will probably clock that you're pregnant and not just 'fat'. I'm not there yet thank goodness - give it about six weeks I reckon. Other things: I can't bend properly. I'm worried my back will go again - it's already started feeling stiffer in the morning when I wake up, and of course the bump is right where your waist normally bends. This very noticeable when you've got a toddler as you're forever bending down picking up things they've dropped on the floor. All I can do is try to remain as fit and healthy as I can, keep doing the pelvic floor excercises, and hope that the body can cope with the amount of abuse it will get over the next seven months...
» http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/calendar/week11
[add a comment]


22.11.06
seesaw
My emotions are all over the place at the moment as well - finding it hard to concentrate and get motivated about work, as a part of me is really worrying about it. About how it will further change my relationship to other people, friends, etc. Two kids is a whole different ballgame, and it's not like we sat down and thought it through....it just happened. And now I'm suddenly growing at an exponential rate, and it's suddenly really hitting home. I really am pregnant again. I really am going to have to go through another 7 months of pregnancy, and then birth, and then have a second child. There's so many angles to it that I don't even know where to start and my brain's spinning. The birth part wasn't so bad last time. Plus my theories about post-birth-amnesia due to all the hormones may not have been that far out: I can hardly remember most of it. Just hours of walking round, a taxi to the hospital, some pushing and out she shot.
Oh and the ring of fire. I vaguely remember that bit.
Anyway if I've learnt one thing from having Ella it's that pregnancy was just the short bit at the beginning to get your mind focussed. It all starts after the baby comes along - and then they become a toddler, and then a child, and then a teenager....OK I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here; but it does help to put worries about being pregnant in perspective.

And after all, people have families all the time, and it's not unusual to have them a couple of years apart - many people actually plan it that way. Only I'd never seen myself with two kids; tidying up their toys, keeping house, cooking meals. It took a massive readjustment on the part of a 30 year old hedonist to get round to the idea of having one child when I first discovered I was pregnant with Ella. Now I will have to adjust to a second. We have adapted; we're lucky. We both work part-time and make enough to live on, whilst getting to spend time with Ella. She will be two and a half in June - and probably going to nursery the following January. So logically things should work out. But it all takes juggling, what with that, and work and one day, one day I might actually get time to write something creatively again. Who knows....
[add a comment]


22.11.06
Hmmm
A friend's mother touched my stomach and congratulated me on my pregnancy today. Felt a bit odd. Since my belly did the popping thing yesterday it suddenly seems really obvious - although this morning it had all but disappeared again, it was back this afternoon. I think most of it's probably food and water consumed during the day - and my poor stomach muscles are still knackered after carrying Ella (I'm short - there was nowhere else for it to go but out first time round). For some reason I feel like I'm going to be huge this pregnancy, which is worrying.



Anyway - on a different topic, I found this amazing video of a 10 week ultrasound. That baby really looks like it's trying to escape!
» 10 week ultrasound
[add a comment]


21.11.06 | 5 comments
bump?
I think it's arrived....either that or I've eaten all the pies...


[add a comment]


20.11.06
obsession
So I seem to remember this from the last pregnancy - the first trimester was a time of total obsession with body size, symptoms etc. Really struggling to concentrate on my work today. I keep finding myself on the pregnancy forums, which, frankly is not a good thing...

I'm sure that this obsessiveness will wear off as I get more used to being pregnant, and become more visibly so. I do hope so as I have a lot of work to get in before sprog arrives. Being self-employed my plan is to save save save until June, and then take a few months off to look after little baba, before returning to work part time, and hopefully arranging something similar to what I have going on at the moment with Ella (I do a time-swap with a couple of other mums, and S fills in the extra hours by working less). E will be starting nursery when sprog is about 6 months old (I can't believe it's that soon!) so hopefully it will all work out...
[add a comment]


20.11.06 | 3 comments
Monday morning
Half a dodgy pint of Kronenbourg had me vomiting almost immediately yesterday - Stuart had a 3 pints and was much worse - stomach pain, vomiting, diarrhoea. Did make me wonder if it did any harm to the bean - but since I was ill so quickly, and then felt better, I think my body just expelled the toxins immediately before they did any further harm.

My uterus has started moving up out of my pelvis - can feel the top of it above my pubic bone, and there's a lot of stretching etc. My stomach feels massive to me, but I don't think it's noticeable to anyone else - I just look like I've got a bit of a pot-belly. S says it's definitely sinking in now that he can see my body shape starting to change: seems like that's happening a few weeks earlier than last time if comparative photos are anything to go by. Which means it'll probably be obvious by the end of the month, which is when I've got my first midwife appointment, and then the 12 week scan the following week.

So far I've told a few people - my mum and close friends. Mostly on the basis that if anything did go wrong, then I'd probably want the support anyway. Although I haven't had any external indications (apart from 2 positive pregnancy tests when I found out) the fact that I'm growing is reassuring - and now at 10 weeks, the risk is dropping all the time. So sometimes I just want to tell people, rather than feeling like I'm keeping something hidden. At the same time it's nice just being me - rather than 'pregnant woman' so I'm glad it's not that obvious yet. I know I'll probably get sick of being pregnant round about week 30, so I should be enjoying this early time more. Well I would be if it weren't for continuing bouts of morning sickness (which is misnamed - it should be called 'random sickness' as it seems it can strike at any time.) I'm not getting these every day - just have some days where I feel vaguely nauseous all day, and other days when I feel fine. Yesterday, with the beer poisoning, I immediately assumed it was pregnancy sickness - but actually that never actually makes me throw up - just retch a bit and feel generally sick. The fact that Stuart was so ill does kind of confirm that there was something wrong with the beer though.


[add a comment]


15.11.06
General whittering
Expect a number of random entries at the beginning of the pregnancy as I get used to the idea of being home for another person for the next seven months, and remember the various discomforts that pregnancy entails. Like today - I have a continual ache in my lower belly when sitting at my desk, which is distracting me from my work. It's almost like low level period pain, and I'm not sure whether it's because my trousers are too tight or my abdomen is stretching to make way for the uterus which is currently rising up out of my pelvis (a couple of weeks early I thought...but apparently not for a 'multi-para' which is what they call you if you've had a kids before). Whatever - it's jolly uncomfortable! Still I suppose it's nothing compared to what will start to happen in the next month or so: on with the cocoa butter!
[add a comment]


14.11.06
growing
Actually - really feeling quite a bit more uncomfortable today than I should be at this stage...so I took a couple of shots of the belly and compared them to last time...I was probably almost a stone heavier starting out (which definitely shows) but this time, whilst I look slimmer, the tummy is the size it was at about 13 weeks....so the old thing of showing four weeks earlier with second pregnancy is obviously truer than I thought. Damn. Why does this all have to happen so fast? It seems like I've barely got used to the idea, but my body has decided that the world and his wife have to know in the next couple of weeks. Seeing a friend who had a kid a couple of months ago on Friday...may ask her if I can borrow some of her maternity clothes.
[add a comment]


14.11.06 | 2 comments
9th week
Another entry so soon? Well I realised I'd miscalculated last time, and was in fact nine weeks, not ten...which was a slight blow as obviously I'm still in the danger period for miscarriage and sprog is still an 'embryo' rather than a fetus. Still only a couple more days to go now till week 10, and by the end of the month we should be out of danger and can start to tell people about it...

Actually more about that: I'm not sure how I feel about people knowing. What really bothered me last time was being treated like 'a pregnant woman' rather than Zelda. At least before people know, then I can still interact with them as my normal self. Body may not cooperate though. I haven't popped out yet, but all indications are that by 12 weeks it will be hard to hide, what with this being baby number 2 and all. What's that about? Already feeling a bit bloated, but no so as anyone else would notice. A bit of morning sickness around week 6/7 - but that seems to have mostly gone now unless I make the mistake of drinking a second cup of coffee in the morning.
Waist:29", belly:33". I can't remember if this is any bigger than last time - I'm definitely thinner than I was when getting pregnant with Ella. In fact S is a bit sad that I'm going to lose my figure again...


[add a comment]


10.11.06 | 1 comments
Here we go again
9 weeks pregnant. Unplanned! Oh dear...still at least I semi feel like I know what I'm doing this time. Still keeping it pretty quiet, though the belly is expanding slightly quicker this time around. Due June 16th! I sense a spate of hard work coming up if I'm going to have to take a few months off. On the bright side, childcare is flexible, and a couple of friends are having kids at the same time - so I'm sure we can continue to do the childcare swap arrangement I have going for Ella.
[add a comment]


06.12.04 | 1 comments
35 weeks
I am BORED of being pregnant now...another 5 weeks to go although I'm sure he / she will be late knowing my luck. At the same time I suppose I should be appreciating these last few weeks of peace and quiet before everything gets turned upside down...2 and a half weeks till Christmas I suddenly realised - funny how I completely forgot about it in the excitement of 'the main event' - I suppose I ought to get off my arse and do some christmas shopping / make arrangements for it. I think I'll be just as happy to stay at home, eating nice food and cuddling my beloved, but parents are bound to insist that we drag ourselves over to North London so that we can bore ourselves silly over christmas dinner in the wilds of Willesden (it costs about 40 quid for a cab over there on Christmas day believe it or not!)

Work is winding up a bit now - just launched a biggish site (www.unltd.org.uk) which the clients are very happy with. All delivered on time and shipshape, so that's good. Just a few more bits and pieces to get sorted now which should all be out of the way by Christmas. I suppose I'm lucky with the timing as the last couple of weeks before oscarella's scheduled arrival are holidays more or less. I don't think that I've been having any braxton-hicks contractions, and as far as I can tell he / she hasn't engaged yet (although I'm not sure if I'll know when that happens) so at the moment I'm just a big fat pregnant cow who according to my friend D has developed a 'waddle' - nice ;o)


[add a comment]


01.12.04 | 2 comments
All normal
Such was the prognosis of the midwife at my 34 week visit - Oscarella is head down in a 'cephalic' position, but not engaged yet (I suspected this from all the kicks I've been getting in the ribs) and blood pressure, fundal height, etc. were all as expected. Next appointment is in two weeks time with the GP. No pain apart from the obvious discomfort of an increasingly large foreign object inhabiting my body, which makes eating large meals uncomfortable. I can't help wondering how much bigger she's going to get - what does another 6 cm's in fundal height translate into? 3 inches girth? Can it get much bigger?

Went to see Snow Patrol at the Brixton Academy last night, who were rather dull - as were the audience. Strangely I didn't see any other eight-months pregnant women there....I wonder why ;o)


[add a comment]


30.11.04
34 weeks
And starting to feel quite huge...I can feel my skin stretching and the belly now measures 44inches...still no stretchmarks though luckily. Fingers crossed that they don't appear!

Been working like a demon on about 4 projects at once over the last several weeks, so I haven't had much time to write on here. In between, almost unnoticed time has been slipping onwards - I can't believe that in less than six weeks the baby is due. I've started drinking a cup of raspberry leaf tea each day to help with toning the uterus. This is supposed to make labour easier, and I'm up for anything that makes it less painful / drawn out when the time comes.

I've been trying to avoid thinking about how the increasingly lively and heavy creature in my stomach is going to get into the outside world. As an optimist I've been assuming it won't be that bad and telling myself that it's not worth worrying about. Of course this doesn't stop people telling me their horrendous birth stories about 3 day labours, forceps births, etc. Smallish (7lb) babies seem to run in mine and Stu's families though so hopefully I won't have to squeeze out a ten pounder...

I'm also wondering when to stop work. I've been thinking the 10th of December (which is 4 weeks before the due date) but this is seeming less feasible as it draws closer and I realise I've still got quite a lot of work to do. Still, one of my projects is due to launch this week, and I've done most of the work on 2 more so it may be feasible. Also, christmas is fast approoaching so that's a natural deadline anyway - meaning that I will definitely stop work at least 2 weeks before Oscarella's due. As I work at home most of the time (except for the odd day when I've been working on site) 'stopping work' is not quite the same as it would be for someone who's sat in an office all day long. Still can't complain if lots is coming in the door as I don't know quite how it will work after he/she comes along...so the plan is to save as much as possible now and cross that bridge when I come to it!
[add a comment]


16.11.04
be careful what you wish for...
plenty of work has now come my way, and I also went on a massive book-shop yesterday - so that should stop me being too bored over the next few weeks, and keep me busy. It's amazing how quickly moods can change. Yesterday I was feeling blue, wondering what I should do with myself, and today I feel loads of cheerful and it seems as though there's barely time to fit in all the stuff I want to do. Partly hormones I wonder?
[add a comment]


15.11.04
32 weeks
Eight weeks to go now (assuming it arrives on time) and I'm about to run out of work to do...what shall I do with myself? It seems like quite a lot of people stop work round about 32 weeks, but I'm not used to not working - so not looking forward to not having stuff to do. I'm sure I can make up some work, and catch up with things that I've been meaning to do, but haven't had time to, but it's not quite the same. What do people do that have stopped working? Watch daytime telly? Scrub their skirting boards? Redecorate their houses? Go shopping?

If any worthy projects out there need help with their web sites now's the time to ask ;o)
[add a comment]


11.11.04
Crystalline day
This is one of the days that I love working at home. The sun is picking out every detail of the trees and hedges outside, and the nasturtiums growing up around the windowsill seem to be glowing with an inner light. Rainbow shards are refracting all around my living room / office from the crystal that's hung up to catch the rays, and Radio 4 is droning quietly in the background.

Having worked like a demon all week, I've got a little pause to contemplate and reflect this morning; time to catch up on all the niggling tasks that usually get shoved to the bottom of the heap.

I can't believe that it's probably less than 2 months until a life-changing experience happens. I don't think I've really got my head around the fact that a small person will rely on me (and Stuart of course) for everything. At the moment she (it? he?) is only a collection of bumps and wriggles that lives in my tummy. Soon it'll be a another person, unique from me, with wants and desires and a mind to be stimulated. (Well - probably not that much of a mind for the first few months, but nascent, at least).

Another friend of mine has recently told me she's pregnant - 11 weeks now. I feel like I can really relate to her feelings - both of us awed at what we are letting ourselves in for. I wonder if there's something about having your first child in your early thirties. You've had so many more years to get used to making your way in the world more or less alone; and then suddenly there's this extra person, who knits you so closely to the the other parent that a habit of interdependance that was just forming becomes instantly reified. I have a strong theory that my body decided that it was comfortable with becoming pregnant, because I feel like I'm in a secure and loving relationship. I know Stuart will be a good father - he's kind and loving, whilst also having a strong moral sense and an insensate curiosity about the world. I think if I didn't have that conviction I would definitely be panicking a lot more now. Perhaps later I'll look back on this and wonder what I was so afraid of. Perhaps it's simply the unknown.
[add a comment]


07.11.04
Sunday afternoon
And we've just had a lovely peddle around, enjoying the fresh autumn breeza and the colours of the few leaves left on the trees and rustling around on the pavements. I'm in a quite splendid mood, which has persisted for the last couple of weeks, and which I can only assume is down to hormones of some kind. This is obviously the flip-side of the chemical soup that made me a nightmare to live with several months ago. Now everybody gets sunny smiles and sweet melodies.

Another friend has had a baby this week - 9lb 9oz Claudio has been born to Rose and Seb in a mere 4 hours. Rose didn't seem that big when I went to see her a couple of weeks ago (certainly compared to Jules, who was the size of a small house) yet she's had an even bigger baby - so it obviously goes to show that you can't really tell from the size of the belly. I'm guessing Ella will be 7lbs 6 oz (any one want to place any bets?) as neither Stu nor I have particularly large heads or big bones, and although I measure up correctly on the fundal height, I've got a relatively small and compact bump. She may yet surprise us though...
[add a comment]


03.11.04
30 weeks
And I haven't written anything in here for a while - so maybe time for an update. Actually I realised all sorts of people were reading in, which gave me pause for thought as I've never written a 'public' diary before...

Everything seems to be going very well - I've just been to see the midwife, who did the usual blood pressure, fundal measurements, etc and said that everything is proceeding on track. Ella's probably not going to be an enormous baby, but I'm quite glad about that...8lbs will be quite enough for me! (a friend just had a baby that was nearly 10lbs - I wince at the thought!). Yesterday we went to see the birth centre at St Thomas', and have a look around the birthing rooms. The centre's really big, with birth pools, a 'garden' room, and incidentally amazing views of the Thames and the Houses of Parliament, although I'm sure that the view will be the last thing on my mind when it comes to actually giving birth. It was also spotlessly clean and brand-new looking, unlike the health centre...So all in all it seemed a good place to bring a new person into the world

Feeling lots of movement now, and every so often I can even feel the baby's head poking out of my abdomen. An odd, but not unpleasant sensation. It feels rock solid and about the size of a navel orange. Only 10 weeks to go now...and time seems to be zooming past....exciting!

In other news, the US election is hanging in the brink with the two candidates, Bush and Kerry, neck and neck as we speak though the BBC seems to think that Bush has it. I don't relish the thought of another 4 years with that monkey at the helm, but Kerry's got distinctly shifty eyes....


[add a comment]


27.09.04
Week 25
And a LOT of movement - I wonder is she going to be a footballer or a boxer when she grows up? Over the last couple of weeks the sensations have gone from slight flutters around the abdomen to definite hard thumps and 'going over a bridge' rolling sensations that I can only guess is Ella changing position. The movements can actually be seen through my abdomen which appears to be doing jelly rolls and ripples at the oddest times. It's a curious but quite wonderful development.
[add a comment]


23.09.04 | 1 comments
24 week belly pic
Realised I haven't posted one of these in a while - so here goes:


(I used to be able to button up these jeans)
[add a comment]


18.09.04
23 weeks 5 days
So it's a shockingly long time since I've put anything up here...possibly because the last several weeks have passed so quickly. I'm still cycling to work almost every day, and enjoying Hyde Park first thing in the morning, but the belly is definitely starting to get pretty large, so I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep it up. For the last couple of weeks I've been feeling a lot of movement - sharp jabs all over from just above the pubic bone, to right up under my ribs, and sometimes a feel like the baby is turning over. Stuart has yet to feel any of these movements, although sometimes the jabs are actually visible through the skin. No stretchmarks yet thank goodness!

All of a sudden it seems as though time is going much faster - just under 4 months left until d-day, and I'm starting to think maybe I should organise a few essentials just in case the baby comes early. We've been talking to her and addressing her by name (Ella - as we're pretty sure it's a girl, though Oscar's in reserve in case it surprises us by being a boy.) I haven't had any strangers coming up to molest the belly, which is a good thing, although maybe that tends to happen later on. I think it would make me feel rather strange!

I'm beginning to feel a bit more awquard now as well - it's getting harder to bend over, although not to the point where I can't tie shoelaces yet. I can't help wondering how big I will get. As I'm not that tall, and already considerably wider front to back than I am from side to side. If it gets a lot bigger I might tip over ;o)

Moodwise been going through a lot of swings and roundabouts - one minute very cheerful and optimistic; the next an unfamiliar black depression settles over me and I feel trapped and wicked. I've never suffered from depression in my life before, but I'm sure it makes me pretty hard to be with. Especially as I don't particularly like my own company at those times. I'm still finding it really hard to get my head around the fact that we're going to have a child - it's such a huge commitment. I can tell some people find such an equivocal attitude hard to comprehend. I want the child and it feels like the right time to have one on one hand, but at the same time I can't possibly imagine myself as someone's mother. I worry about not liking her after she's born, being a bad mother. I'm sure this is pretty normal though.

I can't help thinking time's going to go even faster from now on though....
[add a comment]


24.08.04
20 weeks and second scan
So - we had the second scan today - which went pretty well, and despite being 40 minutes late, was worth waiting for. The baby was pretty lively, rolling around and kicking, so it was hard to see everything, but it's probably a girl, looks very healthy and normal, and the EDD is still January 10th. Hooray!

I feel much better about the whole thing now - have a midwife's appointment tomorrow to go over the 10+3 weeks test results (that feels like a LONG time ago now!), but generally it all feels a lot more real after seeing (her?) moving about, waving hands and feet. And yesterday morning I'm sure I felt a kick in my lower belly - I was lying against Stuart's back, and was surprised he couldn't feel it too. So I think I'm actually coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to be a parent. There really is a small person growing in my belly. The fact that it's obvious even to strangers that I'm pregnant reinforces this, but watching (her?) on the scan made it feel a lot more personal.

Ella is still top of the girls' names list (which, admittedly, is very short), with Joyce as a middle name, after Stuart's mother. I've started talking and singing to her a lot more now as apparently they can hear noises from outside the womb, and start to recognise their mother's voice.


[add a comment]


18.08.04
19 weeks
OK, technically that was yesterday, but I didn't get around to writing anything here, so today will have to do instead. Less than a week till the scan! Am excited! Stuart reckons it'll be a girl...I'm half convinced, although I also think a boy would be cool. Not too long to go now - I do hope it holds still long enough for us to find out!

Belly seems to have done another 'pop' - no sign off the belly button popping out yet, thank goodness, but there's now no doubt that I'm up the duff, as opposed to having just eaten all the pies...you can see people's eyes looking at your stomach when they talk to you, which is a strange sensation. Not sure if I like it, but I suppose I'll just have to get used to it.

Rib pain is much better, although still uncomfortable - especially sleeping, which in itself is getting more random. I fell asleep at 9.30 last night, only to wake up at about 5 in the morning, and had very strange dreams which involved me going to the moon in a black cab amongst other oddities. Roll on nighttime cinema! I could get to like these strange space operas I inhabit in my sleep...

Still nothing that I can positively identify as movement - although I do keep feeling gurglings and a strange pressure on the top of my cervix, which might be connected to little one (or passenger, or brat, depending on what mood I'm in) moving around. I wonder if it will get hiccups? Must be a really odd sensation! Sex drive is back up (!) - as all the articles I've read say there's no danger to the fetus so long as there's no complications I'm going to enjoy it before I get too big to bother any more!
[add a comment]


13.08.04
rib ache
Have to do something about this rib ache - a friend gave me a massage last night, which was lovely at the time, but afterwards I was in terrible pain - we had to peddle back from waterloo to Brixton and we ended up walking half of the way because I was getting such sharp pains every time I took a breath. It's pretty hard to stop breathing! I went to see an osteopath on Tuesday, who said that I'd bruised a rib, but it feels worse than that - I wonder if I might actually have cracked one? I wonder if it's partly because the uterus is putting pressure on it? It's getting bigger, but not up to the belly button yet, so I don't think that can be the case, unless it's other organs being squashed up in that direction.

Someone at work noticed that I was expecting yesterday. I didn't reply to their comment, just continued on with the conversation that we'd been having. I'd rather people didn't notice as I get bored talking about it. Is this weird? I like just being me as opposed to being 'a pregnant woman' - of course as it's getting more noticeable even baggy clothes can't hide it forever. Part of me wants it to be massive, but another part just wants it to go away. I like sleeping on my tummy and that's just not comfortable any more: it feels like I'm lying on a big squashy beach ball! I don't think this is doing the baby any harm, but it's not pleasant for me. It actually woke me up this morning - or maybe it was the shooting pain from my shoulder / rib when I accidentally slept on that side. Trust me to find a way to make being pregnant even more uncomfortable! I'll have to ask Mum to have a go with her machine, as it takes about 6 weeks for rib pain to go away - and as rib pain is one of the symptoms of pregnancy it's only going to get worse...oh well, mustn't moan about it. Just be more careful on the bike from now on.

Only a week and a half till the twenty week scan now...I really hope that it holds still long enough for us to see what gender it is. Believe it or not, I still don't feel like there's actually anything growing in there...that sounds weird, but even though intellectually I know it is, I feel quite disconnected from it. Although having said that, I'm sure I've begun feeling movement. Or is it wind?? Hmmmm
[add a comment]


09.08.04 | 1 comments
18 weeks
It's definitely going quicker now - can't believe that it's only 2 weeks tomorrow until the 20 week scan...then we'll hopefully find out whether it's a boy or a girl. A lot of people seem to think it's wrong to find out before the birth - but personally I think there'll be enough surprises in January, without adding the uncertainty of gender as well. Also despite the growing belly it still doesn't feel real to me - so knowing that there's a little boy or girl in there might make me feel closer to it. Still haven't felt anything I can definitely characterise as movement, although there's quite a lot of rumbling going on. I should start to feel wriggling any time now apparently... I can't wait! I'm sure I'll soon get sick of the babby pummeling the shit out of my ribs, but it will also be really reassuring to have regular reminders that it's alive and kicking in there. It must be distracting though?

Went shopping for a few more maternity clothes yesterday...getting to the point where I was living in the same skirt and couple of tops at work because it was all that would fit me. Managed to pick up a couple of tops, a skirt, and a dress. These are much more comfortable than wearing normal clothes that are half unbuttoned (especially in the intense heat that we've had over the last week or so) but also remove any doubt that I'm pregnant. We bumped into a couple of Stuart's friends yesterday and that was the first thing they mentioned. I'd better get used to people looking at the bump first and only then looking up to see the person that's carrying this new human being around ;o)

'Waist' measurement is now 39 inches, and my belly button seems to be flattening out a bit. This of course is the uterus growing and rising up higher, so not unexpected. I do hope it doesn't pop out completely as I think it looks disgusting...we'll have to wait and see. Apparently if it is going to do this it will be at about 20 weeks.


[add a comment]


06.08.04 | 2 comments
friday afternoon
It's hot as FUCK in this office...all around me I can see beads of sweat gathering on people's foreheads as they slave over their keyboards...roll on 5.30 when I am so OUT of here!
[add a comment]


04.08.04
Oh dear
I managed to crash into the back of a car and go over the handlebars of my bike yesterday, bruising my shoulder horribly in the process. In my defence it was pissing down, Brixton High street was crazy, and the car stopped dead in front of me with no warning, but I still should have been paying attention. Took the day off work and went to St Thomas' just to get checked out...everything's fine and the baby's heartbeat is still galloping along. Apparently they're 'tough little buggers' according to the gyno nurse that did the checking (a nice irish lady). So I've a bruised shoulder and had to take the tube to work today, but nothing worse thank goodness. Must be more careful.

Weather is HOT with lots of thunderstorms - apparently the office got hit by lightning yesterday, so I'm glad I wasn't around for that...still it makes me wish I was on holiday. On the bright side I'm making a lot of money which will come in handy when I can't work for a few months...but would rather have a nice couple of weeks somewhere relaxing and beautiful than be bored off my tits making wireframes for a project that frankly doesn't interest me that much. Positive attitude, me? Oh well ;o)
[add a comment]


03.08.04
17 weeks
It seems to be going faster now - only 3 weeks today till the 20 week scan, which also marks the midpoint of the pregnancy! Hooray! Don't know about anyone else but I have been finding pregnancy B O R I N G - can't understand people that wax lyrical about how it's the most wonderful experience they've ever undergone. Either it's in for a great improvement soon, or they live rather limited lives...

No new symptoms to report - in fact apart from leukorrhea (meaning extra vaginal discharge during pregnancy) and a fat belly I'd hardly even know there's anything growing in there. Sometime during the next few weeks I'll apparently start to feel movement - if I haven't already. It's hard to know if that gassy feeling is wind or the pattering of tiny heels. Of course I'm not complaining about lack of sciatica, round ligament pain, etc...probably around the corner in the latter half of the trimester...still very early days.
[add a comment]


31.07.04
Beautiful Saturday
It's a gorgeous day today - Summer has finally arrived!
[add a comment]


27.07.04
Still gutted
About Brixton...someone sent me a book about a cat this morning in a well-meaning attempt to cheer me up, and I couldn't stop crying for about half an hour. This from the woman who never cries about anything...wondering if pregnancy hormones are making it worse?

Working hard every day in Shepherds Bush...have mixed feelings about it. It's boring as hell working in an office and it seems like people get about a quarter of what I'd get done achieved in a day...too many meetings and too much chatter for my taste - plus spending a couple of hours a day travelling sucks arse. Still guess it's too late to do much about it now - just have to continue on as best I can. At least it's not forever, I can think of the money I'm earning, and at the moment it's distracting me from grieving about Brixton too much...and from smoking spliff, which I was getting through at a scary rate.

Bit worried that I might be overdoing it a bit with cycling around London - but I think it's probably alright. Going on the tube every day has given me a slight chest infection (being surrounded by a cocktail of other peoples' germs is BAD) so hopefully I'll get my health back now that I'm back out in the open. Getting home was a rather unpleasant experience yesterday though - took me an hour as I got lost in Belgravia, and then had to contend with some of the worst and most agressive traffic I've seen between vauxhall and victoria: must try and sort a better route.

I think I'd be much happier about this contract if the PM was a bit more open to flexible working hours (4 days a week...) but I don't think that's the case. Why can't these people understand that there are effective ways to work that don't involve being in a stuffy office eight hours a day?
[add a comment]


26.07.04
16 weeks
today...I'm absolutely knackered. Cycled to work in Shepherd's Bush (which was lovely - a vast improvement on the tube) but then got lost in Belgravia on the way home, and had to contend with fuckers opening car doors on Vauxhall Bridge Road, which wasn't too hot...it took me an hour to get home! Now it's eight o'clock in the evening and I'm ready for bed, which is definitely wrong...

A really awful thing happened on the weekend...our cat, Brixton, was run over and killed on the road outside our house. We found his body on Saturday morning, and spent the weekend in a daze after burying him in the back garden. It just seemed so wrong. He was less than a year old, and had such a wonderful personality. I couldn't stop crying. I don't think there's anything we could have done to prevent it - he was a wanderer and would find a way to get out the front even when we kept all the windows closed. I just wish that whoever knocked him down could have had the decency to call or knock on the door, instead of leaving him outside for us to find. He was so cold and stiff, that it must have happened on Friday evening...a few feet from where we were sitting in the front room. A horrible thought. I found myself thinking that if I could swap the baby for his life I would - but that's probably a terrible thing to think. Oh the misery.

Trying to stop thinking about it. We still have PishWish, who doesn't seem affected at all, but who knows what goes on in the mind of a cat...she's not been eating much since but then I think she was always a light eater. Brixton was always the one that would knash through his food at top speed.

Seems wrong to think about the baby now that I miss him so much, but there must be some compensations. I don't know how to tell the breeders - even though I wish that we could replace him in some way I know that getting another cat wouldn't be the same.
» » Brixton in our Garden
[add a comment]


23.07.04 | 1 comments
Friday
and I'm working at home today, which is nice, although I've got a ton of work to do and the weather's gorgeously distracting...would rather be outside! it's a beautiful sunny day today - not a cloud in the sky, and consequently very hot. My wardrobe is gradually reducing as I realise that most of my clothes (i.e. pretty much all of my skirts) won't fit me any more...my 'waist' is now 38 inches around! It'll be 16 weeks on Monday and I think I can say I've defitely got a noticeable bump now. Yesterday someone actually gave me their seat on the tube - which was kind of them, if a little unneccesary. I'm not too uncomfortable yet.

Not been sleeping too well - I seem to wake up before six every morning, and then can't get back to sleep due to achiness. At that point my uterus feels really hard and high up in my abdomen (almost above the belly button this morning) but it goes back down after the morning poo (probably too much information...). This morning there was quite a lot of bright red blood mixed up with my stools, which were pretty runny. I hope to god I haven't got piles! Not much I can do about them I suppose if that is the case. Don't think it's any cause to be too alarmed at the moment, but if it keeps happening I should probably get it checked out just in case.

Told the PM on the project I'm working on about the pregnancy yesterday (by email: I'm a coward) and he was very supportive. He congratulated me, and asked me to let him know when I was planning to stop working. I think I'll stop before christmas (due Jan 10th) and hope that the little menace isn't too late. Current favourite names are 'Oscar' for a boy and 'Ella' for a girl. Roll on the 24th of August when we'll hopefully find out what gender it is at our next ultrasound. (Coincidentally my best friend's birthday, which she's very happy about.)

I may appear to be rather obsessed with my body shape, but I can't believe how quickly it seems to be changing now - even in the last week I seem to have got a lot larger - to the point where from it not being noticeable I was pregnant it's now unmistakeable. Still shy about wearing maternity clothes (even though normal ones are increasingly uncomfortable). I'll just have to get over it though, as I'm definitely getting to the point where I haven't got any choice.
[add a comment]


21.07.04
oh dear
have fallen out slightly with beloved this morning due to grumpiness on both our parts, and there being no food in the house for breakfast / dinner. Seems like as soon as I'm not working at home any more (with time to go shopping and generally make sure flat things are running along) it all falls apart....but this is probably unfair - which makes me even more cross with myself. Beloved fell off his bike on Friday, and is covered with rather nasty grazes...poor thing. Still - this seems to have triggered extreme moodiness and grumpiness in the morning / evening - which is rather annoying as what's the point of that when we've both been out at work battling London all day? Giving him a taste of his own medicine (having already tried the sympathy angle) so hopefully that will make him think. What made me cross is that even though there was no food in the house, he'd managed to ensure that he had beer and cigarettes...and of course his smoking / having tobacco in the house, etc is not really helping me to give up.

Still at the end of the day we both love each other a lot - so this is only a temporary hiccup.
[add a comment]


19.07.04
Dammit
So the only person that I might have got some useful info from today is out of the office till wednesday...I really don't see the point of me being here today at all...dammit! Think I'll point this out when the PM gets back and take the rest of the day off. Also I seem to be developing a headache - whether because it's hot and stuffy in this office or stress, or some other reason I don't know. Dammit!
[add a comment]


19.07.04
Week 15
At work onsite today with the client...I'm supposed to be process-mapping the project I'm working on, but finding it hard to concentrate...especially as I seem to be working in a total vacuum today, and I always find it much easier to work with other people...especially on something like this, which is effectively mapping a process that a lot of people are involved in. Plus the project manager's not very helpful at all - no feedback on any of my work, which sucks...he's a nice enough guy, but I'm not here to make friends.

Was a bit concerned that the emergence of the bump might have blown my cover, but he doesn't seem to have noticed anything...today wearing a longish top and skirt, which does camouflage it considerably more than the maternity pants that I've been wearing all weekend (of course it's not as comfortable, but you can't have everything). I'm assuming that since he's a man he probably won't clock it for weeks...leaving me with the dilemma of whether to tell, or just work on as normal. Which isn't ideal as I'd rather wear more comfortable clothes, and I don't like the feeling that I'm hiding the truth. Of course he could just be being diplomatic - reasoning that since it won't affect my job it's none of his business? Don't know him well enough to know if that's the way that he operates.

What else? Had a lovely weekend, what with Urban Art and the Lambeth Country fair, although I did notice that my legs seem to be unusually stiff, especially the backs of my thighs - don't know if this is from exercising or a pregnancy symptom? (I still haven't got a scales, so I haven't a clue how much weight I've put on - it doesn't feel like a lot though...apart from breasts and belly).
[add a comment]


18.07.04
Eek
It's popped! The belly that is - all of a sudden it's gone from looking chubby to a big round definitely up the duff bump! 2 people yesterday asked me when I was due...most freaky - can't be undercover any more. I thought it would be a lot more gradual, but it's as if my stomach muscles have suddenly given up, and my whole shape has changed. We went to a party last night and practically every single person there felt it was incumbent upon them to tell me their worst birth stories. I guess I'd better get used to unsolicited advice.

Eeek! 15 weeks tomorrow - I can't believe it will be 4 months on Monday - it's gone so fast. Makes me realise that January will come much more quickly than I think.

In the meantime I think they'll get a bit of a shock at work on Monday...don't think I can continue to hide it much longer...except perhaps by wearing uncomfortable clothes...which I can't really be bothered to do...let's see what happens anyway.


[add a comment]


14.07.04
Working hard...
So I haven't had time to add anything for a few days. This contract is in a big office (wierdly there's a lot of people here that I know through working with them on various projects over the years) which is semi-friendly... a couple of people give friendly grins in the lift or corridor, but most of them just ignore you. This of course is probably what all big companies are like - but I've just got out of the habit of working like this. The work itself is interesting and challenging - and other projects haven't started to slip (yet) so feeling reasonably on top of things at the moment...let's see how long that lasts!

It's definitely tiring doing an 8 hour office day - but I'm not sure if that's down to pregnancy or just because I'm not used to doing the whole 'tube across london' twice a day (am on the 8.30 train in the morning - have just about woken up by the time I get into the office). There is one preggo woman working here (she looks about six months) but as I'm still 'under cover' I haven't spoken to her - she doesn't seem that approachable either, even though she's not working that far away from me.

Hmmm - think it will be alright for the next several months, although the project manager seems to expect me to just know what I need to produce in terms of maps, etc. I've got a fair idea, but it's challenging working in a vacuum - the rest of the team haven't started yet. It's lunchtime now, so the place is a ghost-town. It's not much more lively when it's full of people! Just makes me realise what amazingly creative environments Sunbather and Deepend were to work in - it's not surprising that these kinds of companies produce rather pedestrian work...
[add a comment]


12.07.04
14 weeks
today...and it's definitely starting to pop out. I can feel a canteloupe-sized round lump in my belly (especially in the morning), which starts just about around my pubic bone and goes to about 3 inches below my belly button...continual aching of the lower abdomen suggests that some serious stretching is going on down there! Today I caved in and went and bought some elasticated jogging pants - they are sooooo comfortable (if not the most flattering garment ever). Brixton's not a brilliant place for buying maternity wear - the only shop that sells it is mothercare on the high street, and they had a distinctly limited selection. Still, as I want to keep it quiet when I'm working on site (at least as long as I can get away with it) I won't need 'smart' maternity trousers for several weeks yet - they would be a bit of a giveaway! Even the hipster jeans I bought a few weeks ago are really starting to cut into my belly, and doing up the buttons is getting harder. Luckily skirts still fit, and it's summer, so I can get wear them for the moment. Part of me can't wait to have a bump, but another part's just as happy to be pregnant 'undercover' for a while yet...
» » 14 weeks development
[add a comment]


09.07.04
Lemons!!!
I can't stop eating them! 3 at a time! Is this normal?
[add a comment]


06.07.04
13 weeks
and it's my birthday tomorrow. I can't believe I'll be 31...I'm sure I was 27 last time I had a birthday? Oh well - at least I can pretend to myself that I don't look my age...people always seem to be quite surprised when I tell them (been a long time since I was asked for ID in the pub on the other hand...)

We're planning a big birthday barbecue on Saturday, as Stu's birthday is next week - which should be fun. I think most of our friends know about the imminent sprog by now. Most of them claimed they'd guessed already, or had suspicions, due to my uncharacteristc abstension from alcohol and fags. I've not been doing so well on the fags...but every day is a new opportunity to improve! I've also read that stopping before the fourth month means that the baby will have the same chance as a baby whose mother never smoked - so that's my final final deadline...I wonder if hypnosis would work? For anyone reading this that thinks I'm disgraceful, I've gone from 20+ a day to having a couple out at the pub / at night, so that's a big achievement for me...

What other news? Well I've been feeling a lot more energetic - we went on a long (25 mile) peddle to visit my great aunt in Brentford on the weekend, and I spent yesterday zipping around on my bicycle. I don't know when I'll have to stop cycling (maybe around the six month mark?) but it's so lovely peddling around in the summer with the wind in your hair that I'm going to try and keep it up as long as possible - I HATE public transport - especially the tube! Plus it's a heinous waste of money. Today I had to go to Shepherd's bush for work, and as I didn't want to turn up to a meeting sweating and red-faced (and shepherd's bush is a bit of hike from Brixton) I took the tube...£5.30 return fare! Can this possibly be justified? Maybe not the place for this rant, but I often find myself wondering why London has one of the most expensive transport systems in the world. Viva cyclepower!

Which brings me onto another topic...cars. Now I can see that sometimes they're useful, but I still don't want to own one. I can't really see this changing with sprog - although Mum has kindly offered us her smart car when she gets a new Chrysler in October. First of all we'd obviously need to get licences (neither S nor I posess one) but then there's road tax, insurance, repair costs, petrol, not to mention the damage that they do to the environment. Is it really worth it? Only for long trips I reckon - for example visiting my Grandmother in North Wales. I still can't see why people insist on running them in London. And don't get me _started_ on Mums doing the school run in Chelsea tractors...

Well - this entry's turned into rather a random rant. I think that now I've got used to the idea of being pregnant, and the danger of miscarriage has reduced a lot, I'm just as happy to forget about it. I think this feeling will continue till round about when the little bugger starts kicking hell out of my ribs!
» » 13 weeks development
[add a comment]


01.07.04
Quick entry
Just to catch up. Now the 12th week scan is past we've started to share the news with friends and family. Reactions have ranged from a cheerful congratulations to total astonishment - plus a few 'zelda mark II foisted on the world - how will it cope???' comedy remarks. There still isnt' really a visible bump, so I'm keeping it pretty quiet with clients etc for a while. Can't help thinking that they'll assume I've got preggie brain and start talking to me VERY SLOWLY AND LOUDLY.

I'm a bit worried about work to be honest, as I'm in the middle of a fairly large project, and have just agreed to take another contract on. The catch being that the clients for the new contract want me to be full-time. I'm not quite sure what to do at the moment about this - so I'm working as fast as possible on project 1 and hoping I can get key parts finished before project 2 starts (in 2 weeks). After that I'm going to have to juggle and work weekends - but at least it sorts out money worries, which are always a concern when you're freelance. I may well have some explaining to do to client number 2 when they notice my stomach start to swell in the next few weeks.

Forgot to record any measurements for a while so here they are:
Waist:33
Belly:37
Chest:40 (34 under the bra)
» » 12th week of development
[add a comment]


29.06.04
Hooray!
the scan showed a happy healthy little acrobat - leaping around and everything:
» » have a closer look
[add a comment]


29.06.04
Family
Forgot to mention that my family's rallied round and everything is much better now. I'm sure a lot of it was down to me being v. impatient and angry because of hormones...which seem to have settled a bit, so I feel much calmer. Mum's excited about the scan and made me laugh this morning with the following email: "If it is twins you can have one and we will have the other joke. my mum is too funny sometimes!
[add a comment]


29.06.04
Actually
looking at that last entry (and comparing the picture to 2 weeks ago) it does really look like my belly's popped out a bit. I was actually trying to hold my belly in in the 12 week one...not sure how much is gas / bowel distention etc though. I don't think it's visible to anyone else though...at least no one's commented on any suspicious weight-gain so far...
[add a comment]


29.06.04 | 3 comments
Week 12...
And this blog's been down for a few days due to more fuckups by the database hosts...oh well. Back up now, and at least no data was lost.

Today is the day of the 12 week scan....it's 11.23am now now, and the scan is at 4.20 - so the challenge is to try and concentrate on my work for the next 4 hours! It's mad to think that we'll actually see what's going on in there...I've never seen inside my own body before!

Anyway -no problems to report over the last couple of weeks (although given my non-symptoms, I wouldn't have noticed them lessening) and I've definitely noticed my belly getting bigger. I can feel my uterus for the first time. It's about the size of a large grapefruit and seems to move from low down in my abdomen and then up towards my belly button a bit depending on how much I've eaten / drunk and what time of day it is. This is inline with 12th week predictions, so I feel like I don't have to worry about miscarriage quite so much now, although of course I realise that it could still happen...at least the chances seem to be diminishing all the time.

I've got a bit of a dilemma: I'm probably going to be offered a full-timish six month contract today. So - at what point do I tell them I'm pregnant? And should I take it at all given that I've got a fairly major project to complete for another client?? Well, see if they actually offer it to me first. It would have seemed strange mentioning it in the interview, and I think by law I wouldn't have been required to anyway. If it did come early for any reason, I'd really be screwing them over though...

Is it just the thought of committing to a project that will take me out of the house five days a week? Sometimes I think I've become dangerously addicted to working for (and generally by) myself. It will definitely be handy when the baby comes along, as we'll be able to be flexible about childcare, and spend more time with it. But it does also make things rather uncertain. I wonder if blind optimism really is the best approach?

Before I forget, here's a 12 week belly shot and corresponding 'artists' impression' of what the fetus looks like now...hopefully I'll be able to post the first ultrasound later!




[add a comment]


14.06.04 | 1 comments
Week 10
So I've made it to week 10 and everything still seems to be ok...no spotting, massive cramps or other bad signs so fingers crossed...first midwife appointment on Friday - which I'm looking forward to as then we get to hear the heartbeat, and I think it will all start to feel a little more real...

Family seem determined to stress me out. This weekend I've had both Mum and Dad on the phone hassling me about Stuart's flat, and why we've told the council they can evict my brother and take the flat back. Nice to see that they're so considerate - after all I've only dealt with a year of stress about this situation - obviously it ought to continue throughout the pregnancy and beyond! Why can't I understand why the needs of my 33-year-old brother should outweigh those of my unborn child?

Mum's obviously broken the news to Dad as it was the first thing he mentioned on the phone yesterday. The conversation went something like this:
"Your mother tells me you may be expecting"
"Yes, we are."
I see. And are you happy about this?
(gobsmacked silence on my part)
"Yes, it's great news actually. We're very happy."
"Good".
Dad then changed the subject to a half hour discussion on the subject of why Rene had to move out, why they don't want him moving back into their house, and how I can be so selfish as to refuse to take responsibility for him. Words fail.

On a happier note, little one is growing and is now no longer an embryo - it's a fully fledged foetus with toenails and everything. Here's some pictures:



Exciting stuff! Not really starting to show yet, although my waist has been increasing - I've actually lost weight from not drinking, eating healthier and getting plenty of excercise. Still haven't quite got to grips with the idea that my body is going to change so much...still it's gradual so maybe not so freaky...
» » Info about 10th week of Pregnancy from about.com
[add a comment]


11.06.04
Bloating
It's Finbar's wedding today, and I'm wondering what on earth to wear. Quite apart from the fact that my chest is HUGE, my stomach seems to have bloated out so much it already looks like I'm 4 months pregnant...I'm not sure what the remedy is for this, apart from not eating anything, which is obviously not recommended!

I've been trying to find out if it's normal to have such a massive stomach already. I'm almost paranoid that maybe I've been pregnant for longer than I thought, and that my last period wasn't really a period at all, but some kind of spotting. (this doesn't seem that likely though). If I breathe in really hard, then my stomach almost looks normal (i.e. slightly chubby) but as soon as I relax it looks like I have a football in there. At not quite 10 weeks it's impossible that there would be any signs there. I shall have to do more research and see if there's any way to avoid this bloating. In the meantime people will just have to assume that I've been pigging out a lot lately!

This still doesn't solve the problem of what to wear for the wedding of course as I can't fit into any of my 'smart' clothes...
[add a comment]


09.06.04
Cheerful!
It's a beautiful, sunny day today and I'm feeling much more positive. Difficulty sleeping last night, due to waking up 3 times to go to the loo, and tits being very sore (I was even dreaming about them) but that felt good in a way as so long as there are some symptoms I can assume everything is still going on down there. Nearly 10 weeks now - which I think means that risks are decreasing. I told my younger brother yesterday - he was really happy and kept teasing me about not smoking / drinking etc. 'only nine months sis!' - he thinks it's hilarious! Men eh...
[add a comment]


08.06.04
Oops
I just realised that I'd forgotten WHY i'd called the last entry 'Tarot craziness..." - Ems phoned my up yesterday evening and asked me if I fancied popping round as she was feeling a bit blue...so I went round for a chat, and after a while found out that she's quite knowledgeable about Tarot cards. SO to cut a long story short she offered to give me a reading (not knowing anything about the preg...which I've been keeping pretty quiet).

It was the freakiest thing. I've never had a tarot reading before, so wasn't quite sure what to expect: and it was a total surprise! According to Emily I am on the cusp of a great change in my life, because of something I found out recently. I am in a period of contemplation, and will appreciate periods of solitude to think and adjust to changes happening in my life...and the 'moon' card (highly relevant to cancerians of course) showed something new growing within me. Emily assumed this was all connected with work / life / etc. - but I found my heart racing as she read the cards. Don't know if I should put credence in these things, but it did seem to show a positive outcome, which would come to fruition in two or three stages (trimesters?) - so I'll grasp at that for the moment...
[add a comment]


08.06.04
Tarot craziness and paranoia
OK - this is probably very silly, but this morning's 'vapour' was a conviction that I'd had a 'missed miscarriage' - basically when you miscarry, but there's no sign (e.g. spotting, cramps) until you have your first scan at 12-13 weeks. I found myself actually wishing I'd been having morning sickness, as the only symptom of a missed miscarriage is that your pregnancy symptoms disappear. I'm sure all pregnant women have these fears - partly caused by the hormones, and probably in my case, by too much reading about pregnancy. I'm sure that will wear off once I've more concrete information about what's going on in there....

Speaking of which I phoned the GP this morning, as Sh thought it was odd I didn't have a date for the 'booking' appointment (first examination by a midwife). Predictably they'd sent it to my OLD address...luckily I was able to phone up St Thomas ante natal unit, and they told me that the first appointment is a week on Friday, with the scan scheduled for the following week. After the slowness of the first couple of weeks after finding out it all seems to be moving much faster all of a sudden. I'll feel much better when they're able to hear a heartbeat and I know there's actually something alive in there. And now, what with Finbar's wedding, Stef's party, voting on Thursday for the mayoral elections it seems like next week will come in a flash...

Tiredness much reduced - although I still seem to be quite moody. I went to try and buy a couple more bras yesterday (balancing my fear of planning anything against the fact that I only had one suitable bra which I'd already been wearing for a week in between overnight washes). Having trekked up and down Oxford St and not being able to find anything in my size I was beginning to feel like a mutant and on the verge of tears when it suddenly occured to me that Mothercare would probably sell bras suitable for maternity wear (they need to be non-underwired: more of a challenge than you'd think if you suddenly find yourself an 'e' cup...). I don't know if it was just my hyper stressed pregnant lady hormones, but I think that the sales assistants in M&S could have been just a little less derisory and a bit more helpful...Jesus. Please don't let me become one of those annoying women who thinks that the world should revolve around her requirements just because she's up the duff!
[add a comment]


07.06.04
9 weeks
So it's now no longer an embryo, and officially becomes a foetus...apparently. This is a good thing - only three weeks left of first trimester worrying about accidents, with chances dropping all the time.

Still feeling tired, and my stomach seems to want to bloat out all the time - accompanied by terrible flatulence! Definitely getting harder to deflect questions about why I've been abstaining from drink, drugs and smoking. I went to Cambridge with some friends on Saturday (punting and strawberry fair) and they have definitely twigged that something is up! I did my best to look inscrutable - not sure if it worked...

Concentration better this morning too, which is good given that I've been getting behind in my work. It's a beautiful sunny day today, so I've been working in the garden with paper and pen - eschewing the computer which I've decided is too distracting, with it's temptation of multitasking and hanging out on pregancy sites. Sh lent me Miriam Stoppard's 'Conception, pregnancy and birth' which is pretty informative and interesting - little that you can't find online, but the pictures are nice ;o)

The bean is now an inch long and has lost it's tail apparently. Mad to think that it will grow at least two inches over the next several weeks!
» » Week 9 at www.babycentre.co.uk
[add a comment]


04.06.04
Friday
Haven't written in here for a few days...just getting used to the whole idea and it didn't feel healthy to dwell on things quite so much (although given that life is about to change TOTALLY I suppose I could be forgiven for being somewhat freaked and whacked out by all the changes that are going to happen.)

Anyway - nearly nine weeks now (or will be on Monday) - and there's still been no problems thank goodness. I'm getting used to not smoking, drinking, spliff, etc, etc. and also resenting these small deprivations (and the parasite, as I have taken to calling it) a lot less... So this is some kind of improvement. Also the idea of my stomach ballooning out to the size of a medicine ball, and then actually giving birth and _then_ being presented with a child that's my responsibility for the next couple of decades doesn't engender quite the level of sweaty palms, palpitations and shortness of breath that it did. Still fucking scared though.

When is the right age to have a child? I'm thirty now, and wondering if it gets scarier the older you are? I imagine that if I was seventeen I would approach it will the same empty headed optimism that saw me going to India at the age of seventeen with £225 in my pocket...and probably rolling with the blows. Of course if I had got pregnant at that age, I wouldn't have got a degree, had a career, etc etc...so no point wondering what might have been. S is of course being very supportive, as always, and dealing with my general moodiness and grumpiness with his customary good humour. Of course he always has a few beers and fags to numb the pain... I wonder how he'd cope if he had to undergo the same kind of draconian regime as me?

Mum came over yesterday and did a ground force on the garden. She really has the most amazing amount of energy when it comes to gardening - and it really shows in the results. It was rather embarassing when she told the man in the garden centre that I was pregnant (I'd attempted to lug some a rather massive bag of compost to the car...not realising that carrying heavy weights is not really recommended when you're expecting. She of course is ecstatic at the prospect of a grandchild, and can't wait to tell everyone she knows. It's a bit odd that none of my closest friends or family have a clue, but the proprietor of Herne Hill garden centre does...oh well.

What I can't get used to is this idea of being somehow 'fragile' - lifting heavy weights, rollerskating, etc etc have now become dangerous activities to be avoided. The body changes I think are what freak me out most...

Anyway - that's enough rambling for the moment. Must get some work done...if only I could concentrate on anything for more than 20 minutes at once: is this caused by stress or a symptom of pregnancy?

p.s. Waist 32....and I'm up to an 'E' cup (necessitating the purchase of some more ugly bras...please don't let them get any bigger!...unfortunately they almost definitely will....)
[add a comment]


27.05.04
Thursday
My researches suggest that the reason I might not have been suffering from morning sickness are down to smoking a joint first thing in the morning...now I know this is reprehensible and unhealthy behaviour - but it's quite reassuring to know that the MS would actually be occurring otherwise. No spliffs today and I feel sick as a dog (5.30pm) and have done since about 2pm - apart from a marathon 3 hour nap that was supposed to be a quick lie down.

Oh - and large areas around my nipples appear to be 'staining' - it looks as though I've been hennaing them. Most odd. Apparently this DOESN'T go away after pregnancy. S said 'ah...your little raspberries are turning into little turds' - needless to say he got a thump!

Waist: 30"
oh dear....it's starting. On the plus side I think I've lost some flab from not drinking for a couple of weeks....
[add a comment]


25.05.04
oh and...
No throwing up or nausea today - although I did sleep for 12 hours last night, which is most unlike me. Breasts still sore but tolerable...went to look at some support bras, but they're so disgusting that I think I might wait a bit longer before strapping myself into one of those things again. Have two bras that fit me, so that will have to do for the moment...

Not been doing too well on the fags today....have had two (which is two too many of course). At least it's a huge reduction, just have to focus on learning how to do without them I suppose. At least I've cut out alcohol, spliff and caffeine, one thing at a time....and avoid the negative thoughts '7 more months of going out without drinking, smoking or indulging in any drugs... as the summer, festivals and parties galore are coming up, I can only assume that this is going to be extremely difficult. So far no one seems to have noticed that I'm abstaining though...will have to think up a good excuse for why I'm not drinking (no one seems to think it's weird that I'm not smoking either - which is a good thing!

Concentration much improved - I actually managed to get some work done today, without spending hours looking at online pregnancy resources or gazing into space: hurrah!
[add a comment]


25.05.04
Tuesday
Went to the GP for the first check yesterday and to be honest I felt a bit miffed. The only test she did was blood pressure - didn't bother weighing me, blood test or anything like that. As I don't have a scales at home I was quite looking forward to finding out what I weighed! Also I'm glad I've been reading up myself about things that you're supposed to avoid as her advice in this area was sketchy to say the least! Thank goodness for the internet.

Went to an Osteopath this afternoon (first time ever, because of killing back ache) and their examination was 50 times more thorough than the GP's - crazy stuff! Looks like I'll be able to fix the back ache myself with a few exercises they taught me - and they told me to come back in 6 weeks time, to check that my posture is changing correctly. Funny how students can be so much more informative and reassuring than a GP, whose job you'd think it would be to talk to you about these things.
» » Week 7 at www.babycentre.co.uk
[add a comment]


24.05.04
Monday
Threw up for the first time this morning: was this morning sickness? Had had slight nausea before, but not actually hurling up all my breakfast (banana, toast, decaff (weep!) coffee)...hmmm I hope this is not a sign of things to come!
[add a comment]


21.05.04 | 1523 comments
Freaky Stuff
OK - so after Mum phoned me up last night and told me I would be having a boy, I thought yeah, Mum, wishful thinking.

Now Emma informs me that she consulted her psychic recently who told her that a very close friend was pregnant...with a boy...and apprently she was just waiting for me to tell her...

Is that wierd or what? Psychic mumbo jumbo, or have they hit on the truth?

Also - I hope this constant obsession with what's happening to my insides will wear off soon: I've got shit loads of work on, which is good, but having the devil of a time concentrating - which is not so good. Anyway - back to the grindstone now. How can I be hungry AGAIN?
[add a comment]


21.05.04 | 1 comments
Friday
One week now since the we found out...mood swings, inability to concentrate, irritability...hungry ALL the time and asleep by 10.30pm...oh and yesterday I had to buy the most disgusting bra I've ever seen in my life because apparently underwires can cut off blood flow to your breasts. It's like something out of the 1940's....S burst out laughing when he saw it! Oh well.

Bizarre how time, which normally races past at a terrifying pace seems to have slowed down dramatically; the last week has felt about a month long. Einstein was right: it is relative.

Another 'symptom'? Extreme horniness in the mornings. Luckily S doesn't seem to mind ;o)


(the pot belly is usually there - dont' think there's any signs yet)
[add a comment]


20.05.04
Thursday
Backache. It's been very bad all week - Mum gave me a treatment with the Scenar on Monday...which seems to have helped a bit, but still very stiff. Can't bend without some pain...and playing frisbee yesterday doesn't seem to have helped. Oh well - seeing an Osteopath on Tuesday which should do some good...

Alistair has announced that him and Jo are expecting twins in December. Twins! Imagine! One's scary enough! Well they already have a kid, so maybe feel empowered to increase their family dramatically overnight...

Still finding not smoking very hard: fell off the wagon yesterday and had 4 cigarettes. I have been managing to stay off the alcohol though, which is something. Booze seems a lot easier to forswear than fags and spliffs....Oh - not to mention soft cheeses, seafood (including sushi! dammit!) poached eggs....I could go on.

Salad Nicoise coming up for lunch I think.
[add a comment]


19.05.04
Wednesday
Made an appointment with the local GP for Monday - which Stuart says he wants to come along to. Ideally I'd like to put all of this out of my mind for the next several months, until I actually need to think about it, but I find that rather difficult given that I've been thinking about smoking / wanting a cigarette every 10 minutes or so...which of course I can't give into given that it's a fairly crucial time at the moment.

Mum made an amusing confession the other night when she came round for dinner: apparently she smoked like a chimney when pregnant with Rene and I (it was the early seventies, no one knew any better) but by the time she was pregnant with Daniel, smoking was a nono. The result? Daniel weighed a healthy 8.2 pounds at birth, whilst Rene and and I were a mere 6.5 each.

Hmmmm.

Birth weight isn't really an issue for me: what would concern me more would be down's syndrome, autism, etc, etc. - But surely these things are beyond one's control anyway? What a thorny thing... this of course is why I would like to put everything out of my mind until it's incontrovertibly obvious that I have been knocked up. The fact that I don't FEEL at all pregnant (sore tits and backache are fairly normal for me round about period time) is definitely not helping with the abstention thing....
[add a comment]


18.05.04
and another thing
We've decided not to tell anyone about this until after the 12th week. So apart from Stuart, and Mum (who would have killed me if not told, no doubt), there's no one to talk to about it.

Whilst this is A GOOD IDEA just in case I miscarry, it's also a bit of a strain. "Zelda - why have you given up smoking and drinking?" "Oh I just felt like it". I wish I could just fast-forward the next month so that I wouldn't have to deal with the random worries about passive smoking-listeria-slips of the tongue etc etc and just start to enjoy it.

It's good to have somewhere to vent all of these feelings. Thank god for Google as well which answers all questions and worries!

First doctor's appointment is on Monday...I think it will start to feel more real then as just now all we have to go on is a home pregnancy test...Lack of morning sickness etc mean that if it wasn't for my period being 3 weeks late, I'd assume that I was imagining things.


[add a comment]


18.05.04
the first entry
in a diary is always hard. And I've never kept a digital diary before - so this should be interesting.

SO why start now? Simply because on Friday I confirmed for sure that I was pregnant (I'd had my suspicions) - making me 6-7 weeks 'up the duff'. So I thought it might be an idea to start keeping notes and venting about the things that I find frustrating.

Thing number 1: giving up smoking. I've been smoking up to 20 cigarettes and several joints a day (since I was 17) - so this is really hard! Much harder than giving up drinking which hasn't given me much trouble at all. The biggest incentive is knowing that this is the most crucial development stage for the bean - I just imagine holding a cigarette to a baby's mouth and forcing it to inhale....It works, just about.

Thing number 2: Irrational mood swings and a sense of ennui and boredom
This is probably connected to the smoking - but I feel kind of trapped in a prison cell. Even though both of us are happy about having a baby, and have been trying for a while, I can't help thinking FUCK WHAT HAVE I GOT MYSELF INTO I MUST BE TOTALLY CRAZY several times a day. Is this normal?

Waist: 26"
Hips: 37"
Bust: 38.5" (have already gone up one bra size - and my tits are very sore and sensitive - but I suppose I shouldn't complain, not having had any morning sickness so far...
» » week 6 at www.babycentre.co.uk
[add a comment]